


that's all i'm asking.

by Idnis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Deamus, Emotional Hurt, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Spin the Bottle, Wizarding Wars, sorry - Freeform, takes place during 6th and 7th year, this turned into so much more than spin the bottle lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-08 16:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13461861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idnis/pseuds/Idnis
Summary: ‘No,’ Seamus replied in a hurry. ‘No, it’s not. Come on. When’s the last time we played something stupid like spin the bottle or seven minutes?’‘Really?’ Hermione said. ‘That’s what you want to play?’





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> So I wasn't really okay today, and I chose to put all those feelings into writing. 
> 
> This is the result :)

Of course, he’d noticed.  
Of course, he had effin’ noticed.  
  
There seemed to be a distance between them now, even though there wasn’t.  
  
Seamus had no idea what to make of it,  
and for once, asking about it, talking about it didn’t seem to help.  
Because Dean wasn’t lying when he said, ‘ _There’s nothing. Really.’_  
  
_No_ , Seamus had thought. _Not yet._  
  
His concern was becoming this growing thing inside him,  
pulling at the corners of his mouth, making it increasingly harder to keep them up,  
to keep up appearances that he was okay.  
  
Seamus wasn’t stupid.  
He knew what the world was spinning towards,  
what was inevitable.  
  
He just wished he could stop _his_ world from spinning,  
from drifting towards that inevitable outcome.

‘Want to go to the library together?’ Seamus asked after their last class of the day.

‘Oh. No, sorry,’ Dean said, his eyes already drifting away from Seamus. ‘Promised Gin I’d fly with her today.’

Seamus was fighting a losing battle, but for now his mouth still managed to smile.  
  
‘Yeah, sure. No problem,’ he lied.

x  
  
They’d walked into the common room together, laughing, their hands bumping together.  
  
Seamus loved laughing,  
but he hated Dean’s smile at that moment.

It was already late, too late for a normal schoolday, and Seamus should’ve just gone up to bed, but instead he looked over at Ron and Lavender cuddling, at Hermione studying and pointedly ignoring everyone, at Neville doodling incomprehensible things on his parchment.

‘Let’s play a game, yeah?’ Seamus said to them, even though his eyes were focused on Dean and Ginny, their hands bumping more often  
until the backs of their hands were just pressed together.

The panic was all encompassing,  
and Seamus felt cold and hot all over, breath going entirely too fast.  
  
‘Isn’t it a bit late for that?’ Neville asked.

‘No,’ Seamus replied in a hurry. ‘No, it’s not. Come on. When’s the last time we played something stupid like spin the bottle or seven minutes?’

‘Really?’ Hermione said. ‘ _That’s_ what you want to play?’

But Seamus argument had struck a nerve by all of them,  
because just like Seamus, they weren’t stupid either.  
  
They all knew what the world was spinning towards.  
What was inevitable.

‘Sure!’ Lavender piped up. ‘Sounds like fun.’  
  
‘What sounds like fun?’ Ginny asked, moving closer, Dean following behind her like she was pulling him along, like they were holding hands.  
Which they weren’t.  
Seamus checked twice.  
  
‘I think I have a bottle somewhere,’ Harry said suddenly, and Seamus turned around in surprise.  
He wasn’t the only one.  
Nobody seemed to have heard Harry come downstairs.  
  
It took a while to set it up, partly because Harry was slow in retrieving his bottle, and when he came back the Patil twins were trailing behind him.  
  
Then they were all sitting in a circle.  
  
Except it wasn’t a circle.  
Not really.  
How could it be when Dean and Ginny’s bodies were so turned towards each other,  
like they were trying to block out the others?

‘Maybe we should’ve asked Luna,’ Neville muttered, more to himself, and Seamus understood all of a sudden.

 _Maybe I shouldn’t have asked everyone else_ , Seamus thought, as his eyes automatically locked onto Dean,  
on his smile.

There was nothing Seamus wouldn’t give, wouldn’t trade, for Dean’s smile.  
Except now.  
Except now he would give everything for Dean to stop, to stop smiling like that, at Ginny.  
Please.

‘I’ll go first,’ Lavender said excitedly, already reaching out, and Seamus wished he shared her confidence. ‘And no backing out,’ she said, her fingers touching the bottle. ‘If you refuse, you have to do seven minutes instead.’  
  
Nobody said no,  
so she smiled and spun the bottle.

It landed on Neville.  
  
Lavender pouted at Ron but immediately crawled forward, just like Neville next to Seamus was doing.  
Their kiss didn’t last long, and looked a fair bit more appealing than how Lavender kissed Ron.  
  
It was Neville’s turn.  
Seamus saw his fingers were shaking.  
He should’ve expected this, because for all his directness and perception Neville never had the guts to tell.  
  
What was it about people who made your world spin,  
who felt inevitable,  
who made it impossible to talk about the thing that mattered most?  
Even when talking had never been impossible before.

The bottle landed on Hermione, who pulled a face, but they both leaned forward anyway and shared a quick peck on the lips that looked like family.  
  
‘Can I pass my turn over?’ Hermione said, and Ginny immediately came to her rescue, leaning forward, her red hair falling over her shoulders as she spun the bottle.  
  
Seamus had never felt so angry at her for having red hair.  
He was _fecking_ Irish, where was his red hair?  
  
Where was his smile?

It landed on Harry,  
and that was definitely a little awkward.  
Ron coughed but didn’t say anything, probably thinking that he’d rather they kissed in front of his face than somewhere on their own having their seven minutes.  
  
What made Seamus feel like he was falling, like he was crashing, was the awkward and disappointed look on Dean’s face.  
_Why_ ? he wanted to yell, but instead, he watched as Harry and Ginny kissed each other once, twice, thrice,  
watched as Ginny pushed back,  
watched as Harry pushed back  
until finally, they pulled away, both breathing a little harder.

There was a hard set to Dean’s jaw,  
and Seamus hated it,  
and hated Ginny for making Dean look like that.  
  
And suddenly he realized that maybe this had been a terrible idea,  
and he wished he could call it off.

But it looked like Dean was already doing that for him,  
opening his mouth and—  
  
‘I’ll go,’ Dean said.  
  
Not at all what Seamus had expected.  
  
He watched those lean, slender fingers,  
fingers made for drawing,  
painting,  
making worlds,  
give the glass a small push,  
barely enough for a world to be spinning  
but Seamus’ world was spinning as the bottle pointed towards him.

The silence lasted an eternity,  
before Seamus looked up and met Dean’s eyes across the room.  
  
‘No,’ Dean said then, knocking the world out from underneath Seamus. ‘No, that’s—It landed on a guy so I get to spin again, right?’  
  
The word was already travelling up his throat,  
inside his mouth,  
but before it left, Lavender said, ‘Nope, sorry. You kiss him here, or you have to take the seven minutes.’

‘Fine,’ Dean said, standing up. ‘I’ll take the seven minutes.’

It was then that Seamus looked around and noticed nobody was laughing.  
Nobody was having fun.

The game had been a terrible idea,  
and this was a terrible idea.

Having a vague idea of Dean’s motive, Seamus still nodded and followed him out.  
  
There was a small cupboard in a corner of the common room, which students used to stuff brooms and rubber boots in. Most people forgot it was even there, but not Seamus, not right now.  
  
That stupid little cupboard was supposed to be his heaven for seven minutes,  
though it felt like anything but as he followed Dean inside.  
  
‘Have fun!’ Lavender said before closing the door behind them and then going so far as to lock it with a spell.  
  
Seamus had his wand with him. He could open the door if he wanted to.  
He didn’t want to.

Even in the darkness, Seamus could vaguely see Dean leaning against the wall,  
the _farthest_ wall, away from him.

‘So,’ Seamus said, forcing a smile on his face. ‘Not what you were hoping for, right?’  
  
Dean coughed awkwardly, and Seamus knew he’d startled him  
and knew he was right.

The panic and pain were making Seamus hands, arms,  
_his entire body,_  
tremble and he knew that when he left this _feckin’_ cupboard, he wasn’t going to be able to smile anymore.  
  
It was inevitable  
and Seamus was stupid for thinking something as simple as spin the bottle could stop the world from spinning in the wrong direction.

‘I—’ Dean said, then stopped himself.

‘You chickened out though,’ Seamus laughed. He cringed when he heard how _fake_ he sounded. ‘Not brave enough to kiss another bloke in front of your crush?’

Not what he wanted to say,  
definitely not.

‘Mate,’ Dean said weakly, like he was going to protest.

He wasn’t.

Seamus might not know the history of magic,  
but he knew Dean.

Holding onto his smile with the last of his strength,  
Seamus smiled.

‘That’s okay though.’

Definitely wasn’t.

 _Why don’t you want kiss me?_  
  
‘I’m not —’ Dean started, then stopped himself again.  
  
‘Not what?’

‘Gay.'

‘Oh. Me neither,’ Seamus said. ‘Just like I’m no coward.’

‘I’m not!’ Dean said, and eyes having adjusted, Seamus could see him balling his fists, leaning forward.

Seamus waved away his words. ‘Yeah, yeah.’  
  
‘Fuck it,’ Dean muttered, before grabbing hold of Seamus’ shirt and pulling him forward,  
crashing their lips together like he had something to prove.  
  
He had,  
but it didn’t feel like that.  
It felt like their kiss wasn’t for Seamus.

Dean’s fist tightened its hold on Seamus’ shirt, like he was afraid Seamus would spin away as he tilted his head and kissed Seamus so hard they stumbled back,  
so hard Seamus head hit the wall  
so hard it knocked the breath out of him, or maybe that was the kissing.  
  
Seamus didn’t feel the pain.  
That was for later.  
  
Dean’s body pressed against Seamus  
and his other hand reached up, fisting Seamus’ hair, pulling him closer, even closer.  
  
Finally, Seamus’ body seemed to remember it wasn’t in heaven, but on earth  
and so he wrapped his arms around Dean’s broad shoulders and held on with all he had.  
  
Seamus heard himself moaning into their kiss,  
heard Dean breathing heavily.  
Suddenly Dean’s hand slipped under Seamus' shirt, touching his burning skin.  
  
‘ _Yeah_ ,’ Seamus moaned in response, letting his own hands roam,  
discover  
memorize  
and finally settling on Dean’s hips, pulling them closer, pulling their groins together.

Dean pulled back slightly to gasp for air,  
but it sounded shuddering  
breaking  
dizzying.

‘Seamus,’ Dean groaned, moving his hips of his own accord now, _yes yes yes_.  
  
A knock on the door.

‘Time’s up!’ Lavender said cheerfully. ‘You boys can stop pretending now.’

It was like he’d been hit with a jinx, so fast did Dean pull back, so fast did he straighten his clothes  
and wipe a hand over his mouth.

So fast did he break Seamus’ heart.

The closet door opened and light poured in, Lavender’s grin telling them they could come out now.  
  
She’d said they could stop pretending now,  
but Seamus felt they should _start_ as they walked back to the others.  
  
Because he was close behind Dean,  
he could hear the tiny, shuddering breath.  
  
‘So did you talk about quidditch or football?’ Ron laughed.  
  
‘We had a bet,’ Neville explained when Hermione rolled her eyes.  
  
Dean didn’t say anything as he took his place beside Ginny again.  
Seamus hated his mind for thinking that was Dean’s place.

Dean’s place was supposed to be beside him,  
with him.

But maybe not.

Looking around, Seamus saw everyone smilling and laughing as they waited for an answer.  
Saw Dean bumping shoulders with Ginny.  
_He_ wasn’t going to give them an answer,  
so Seamus said,  
‘Quidditch.’  
  
Money was passed between Ron and Neville,  
but all Seamus could think was that he absolutely didn’t want to join another round of the game.

But that’s what happened,  
the bottle kept spinning, just like the world  
and finally the bottle landed between Dean and Ron and Ginny quickly nudged it towards Dean because no way was she kissing her brother, haha.  
  
Ha ha  
ha.

Seamus’ hands were shaking, trembling, as were the corners of his lips, doing their best to laugh with the rest.  
But it was like they were being knocked down.  
  
_No_ ,  Seamus thought.  _That’s just me._

x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, yeah. Let me know what you thought about this?
> 
> I'm sorry for the angst though <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY.  
> So I decided I'm going to make this my low key project. Something to return to every week, but not like hardcore updating (which is twice a week for me).  
> I'm sorry! I know that's not ideal.  
> But I kinda really wanted to continue this.
> 
> Enjoy!

Katie had been cursed.

There it was.  
Everyone wanted to treat it like it was just a terrible occurrence,  
but they all knew it was the beginning.   
  
The beginning of the end, most likely.   
  
‘So, uh, Dean,’ Harry started, walking over to where Dean and Seamus where playing exploding snaps in the common room. ‘This is horrible to ask, really, but… Now that Katie’s not going to play, do you want to take her spot on the team?’   
  
Seamus saw the surprise and then delight on Dean’s face.   
  
‘Yeah. Yeah, sure,’ Dean said.   
  
‘Great,’ Harry said, sounding relieved. ‘I was hoping you would. Ginny told me you two have been practicing regularly, and it’s so much easier when you’re already accustomed to her flying style.’

‘Right,’ Dean nodded, smiling.   
  
The spike of jealousy had nothing to do with the fact that Seamus wasn’t on the team,  
and everything to do with being accustomed to Ginny’s flying style.   
  
‘Congratulations, mate,’ Seamus said, forcing his smile back on his face.   
  
He almost succeeded.   
Almost accustomed to the situation.   
  
x  
  
Seamus had wanted to argue that he didn’t have to,  
but really.  
It hadn’t been a choice.

He still wanted to be there for Dean, because even though it was just practice, it was Dean’s first practice with the team.  
  
Seamus had made the decision a bit late, and was practically running towards the quidditch pitch.

They had yet to talk about the closet incident.

Seamus wanted to.   
But lately, Dean hadn’t been around for long enough to talk about it,  
and when they were playing a game together in the common room, it just didn’t feel like the right time.   
  
Which sucked,  
because it felt like nowadays, they were always playing a game together.

It was called  
let’s pretend we never kissed.  
  
x  
  
Nobody was flying when Seamus arrived.  
Too late.

Harry and Ron came out of the changing room, talking about something Seamus didn’t care about.

‘Hey guys!’ he called out. ‘How’d it go?’  
  
‘What? Practice?’ Ron asked in confusion.  
  
‘Yeah. How did Dean do?’

‘Oh,’ Harry said. ‘He was okay.’

Seamus looked around and peered behind Harry—though the locker room door was already closed.  
  
‘Where is he?’ he asked.

‘Already gone, mate,’ Ron said.

Seamus swallowed away the sudden, unexpected and unwelcome pain,  
and followed Harry and Ron back to the castle.

x  
  
It was behind the tapestry,  
the beginning.   
  
The beginning of the end.

Dean and Ginny kissing, not quite hidden.  
  
Kissing without having spun the bottle first,  
kissing because they weren’t playing a game.

Seamus stopped dead in his tracks,  
unable to do anything but stare at Dean and Ginny’s mouths, plastered together.   
  
Seamus knew that if he blinked,  
the tears would begin to fall and wouldn’t stop.  
There’d be no end to his tears,  
to his sadness.

His lips trembled,  
the corners of his mouth falling down.

Another knock down.

How many did he have to endure  
before he’d lost the fight?

Beside Seamus, Ron finally seemed to react to what he was seeing, gasping in disgust.  
Dean and Ginny jumped back and away from each other, both looking shocked though  
Dean looked more guilty to see _Seamus_ than Ron,  
and in a way, that was worse.

Because Seamus had already lost the fight, hadn’t he?

He’d been too late at the quidditch pitch,  
the door to the changing room had already closed  
and Dean had already left.

‘Dean—’ Seamus started, but it sounded choked off and embarrassing so he stopped.  
  
Dean couldn’t meet his eyes, like he was embarrassed.   
  
If only he looked at him,  
if only he gave Seamus a reason to keep fighting.

But Ron broke the moment, the tension, by asking Ginny why she was snogging Dean behind a tapestry, to which Ginny answered testily that she could snog whoever she wanted.   
Their argument seemed to get louder with every sentence  
but for Seamus  
Dean’s silence was the loudest.   
  
It kinda hurt the worst of all.

The first tear fell  
and then the rest, streaming over Seamus’s face, and of course Dean looked at him now, eyes wide with shock, but it was  
too  
late,  
wasn’t it?  
  
x  
  
‘Hey,’ Neville said, sitting down on Seamus’ bed.   
  
Seamus was once again impressed with Neville’s observation skills.   
He thought he’d been perfectly hidden beneath his blanket.

‘I know you’re there,’ Neville said.

‘I know you know,’ Seamus responded, voice muffled.  
  
The blanket felt heavy around him,  
or maybe those were just his feelings.  
  
‘Want to talk?’

‘About?’ Seamus asked, playing dumb.

For once he didn’t feel the need to talk so much.  
Talking would use up his precious oxygen, and if he had no more oxygen, he had to lift his blanket and face the outside world.

Which sounded like a shite idea.

The outside world was a world where he’d kissed his best friend  
and his best friend hadn’t liked it.

‘I don’t know,’ Neville said. ‘Whatever you want to talk about, I guess. Maybe about why you and Dean kissed in the closet. Or why you were crying when you walked through the common room and went straight up to the dormitory. Or how you’re hiding underneath your blanket?’

‘Alright,’ Seamus sighed, throwing off his blanket.

Sounded like Neville knew everything already anyway, as per usual. ‘Wait.’ He paused to look more closely at Neville, who was wearing formal clothes. ‘Why’re you wearing that?’

‘Oh, it’s for Slughorn’s Christmas party. I’m a waiter.’

‘Yer a what? Why’d you want to do that?’

Neville shrugged. ‘I kind of wanted to see what such an exclusive party was like.’

‘Right.’

‘So why did you?’ Neville asked.

Seamus sat up and folded in on himself, leaning his head on his raised knees.  
He knew what Neville was asking,  
but he had no idea why.   
  
Why did Dean kiss back,  
then avoid him?   
  
Seamus shrugged.

‘Was he into it?’ Neville asked.  
  
‘Think so,’ Seamus mumbled.

‘Was it good?’

Cheeks flushing, Seamus nodded. ‘ _Grand_.’

‘Good,’ Neville said. ‘Good. You deserve that much as least. Even if Dean’s straight, at least he gave you a good gay kiss.’

Seamus didn’t notice Neville’s  
_if_   
because all he could think about was how could the kiss be a good thing when he couldn’t even talk to his best friend anymore?  
Everything about the situation had been bad.   
The game had been bad,  
but the kiss had been the worst. 

‘So I’m going to the party,’ Neville said, moving to his feet. ‘In formal attire. Wish me luck.’

‘Good luck,’ Seamus said, then. ‘Wait, aren’t you supposed to ask me if I’m okay now?’

Neville looked surprised. ‘Why? You’re not.’

Oh.  
Well... yeah.   
He wasn’t.  
  
x  
  
So the game had been a bad idea,  
the closet had been worse,  
but the not talking  
was the worst.

And Seamus decided it had to stop.  
  
So when Dean was finally alone, alone meaning not with Ginny around him, Seamus sat down next to him on the couch.  
  
It was a bit like being hexed when Dean froze. As if Seamus was someone he didn’t want to talk to.   
  
‘We’re best mates,’ Seamus said by way of greeting. ‘Right?’

Dean stared at the carpet beneath his feet. ‘Yeah,’ he sighed. ‘Yes, we are.’

‘Good,’ Seamus said, swallowing away the uncomfortable feeling that rose in his chest at Dean’s tired sigh. ‘Because you know what best mates do? They _talk_. To each other.’

Dean’s shoulders tensed. His voice was quiet and pained as he said, ‘I know, Seamus.’

‘So let’s stop.’

‘Stop?’

‘Stop stop talking.’

The corners of Dean’s mouth twitched for a split second, but it was enough for Seamus to feel better, smiling hesitatingly,  
wondering if it really was going to be okay again.   
  
‘Okay,’ Dean said.   
  
‘Okay,’ Seamus said.

The silence that followed was less awkward than the absolute silence of the past couple of days, but it wasn’t comfortable either.  
Not the worst, not the best.

‘Seamus,’ Dean breathed, eyes staring hard at the carpet  
like the next words were going to be hard to hear.  
Or say.   
  
‘Best mates don’t…’

The pause lasted for an eternity  
but not long enough,  
not long enough for Seamus to hope that the answer would be something ridiculous and simple and obvious,  
that it wouldn’t be—

‘Best mates don’t kiss,’ Dean whispered.

Seamus had thought the silence was the worst,  
but that had been preserved for this.

‘Oh,’ Seamus said, blinking fast so his disappointment wouldn’t show.  
  
It showed in his ‘ _oh'_  anyway.

Another silence.  
  
Seamus looked at Dean,  
looked at his best mate,  
the one he wasn’t supposed to kiss.

All he could think about was asking

 _What do I have to do  
_ _to be someone you can kiss?_

‘Oh,’ was what he said instead.  
  
x  
  
‘Almost Christmas,’ Ginny said, breaking the silence  
like she had broken their friendship  
like she had broken Seamus’ heart.

That was unfair, Seamus knew.  
But everything about this situation felt unfair.

‘Yes,’ Seamus agreed.

_Tell me what to do, Dean._

‘Almost free from classes,’ Dean added.

_Best mates don’t kiss, Seamus._

‘Yes!’ Ginny agreed. ‘I can’t wait for my mum’s cooking, or sleeping all morning,  _finally_.’

‘Not sure I’m looking forward to all me cousins,’ Seamus sighed.

‘At least they’ll give you presents,’ Dean said. ‘Even though you can’t keep them apart.’

There was a smile on Dean’s face,  
a smile that begged.

_Best mates._

Seamus’ answering smile was forced,  
just like their friendship nowadays.

 _Maybe  
_ _we shouldn’t be best mates._

x

Excited Hogwarts students were singing Christmas songs while they waited until they could get on the train.  
  
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Ginny said, holding Dean’s hand.   
  
They were standing close, Dean and Ginny,   
like they were sharing a secret.   
  
It looked like a wonderful secret.   
  
It didn’t look like the kind of secret that was only meant for closed cupboards, a secret made in seven minutes.  
It didn’t look like   
_yeah_   
or   
_Seamus.  
  
_ Dean didn’t let go of Ginny’s hand.

But he let go of her gaze,  
eyes being pulled towards Seamus.   
  
‘I’ll miss you too,’ Dean whispered.   
  
Seamus heart beat loudly in his chest,  
even as Ginny smiled and put her head against his shoulder.   
Even as Dean pulled her closer, slinging an arm around her back.

Seamus wouldn’t miss this.

He quickly broke their eye contact and started a forced conversation with Neville.  
  
x  
  
‘It’s been too long,’ Seamus’ grandmother smiled, pinching his cheek like an ancient but determined crab.   
  
Seamus groaned. ‘It has, nana.’

‘He’s grown into a fine lad, hasn’t he?’ Seamus’ mother said proudly, putting another dish—brussels sprouts—on the table.  
  
One of his many nephews started protesting immediately, nine year old chest puffing up. ‘I’m also a fine lad!’

Seamus felt guilty he didn’t know his name, because he owed him when his nana let go of him to hug the nephew.   
  
‘You’re going to make a sweet lass very happy one day,’ his grandfather said, not looking up from his newspaper.  
  
His mother immediately agreed, because _any_ girl should be happy with her wonderful son.   
Seamus felt weird and uncomfortable.   
  
He’d trade all the girls in the world  
if it would make Dean happy to have him.   
  
x  
  
The lamp in the kitchen was the only light in the room.   
The familiar shapes of chairs and pots and plants all seemed different, bathed in the yellowish light.

His mother was sitting at the dinner table, wrapping the last of the Christmas presents.   
Hiding away the present,  
making it a secret.   
  
Seamus sat down next to her.  
  
He didn’t want this secret.  
  
‘What if it’s no lass.’

He didn’t phrase it as a question,  
because it wasn’t one.

His mother looked at him.  
She looked tired.  
  
‘What d’you mean, sweetie?’   
  
Seamus watched the way the green wrapping paper glittered mutely in the kitchen’s light.   
  
‘I mean, what if I want a boy to be happy with me?’

‘No.’

The sound was as clear as

 _Best mates don’t kiss._   
  
‘No, sweetie,’ his mother said. ‘You won’t. There’s no way you’ll no find a lass.’  
  
But he didn’t want to find a lass.   
Didn’t make sense anyway.   
  
It was a boy who had made him feel so lost,  
and it was a boy who Seamus wanted to be found by again.  
  
‘No, mum, I want to —’  
  
‘ _No_.’  
  
_Rip_ said the sleeve of Seamus’ pyjamas,  
fingers having pulled too much.  
  
_Rip_ said the last of the tape his mother used   
to wrap up the present.   
Gone.   
Hidden.   
  
She stood up without another word, and went upstairs.  
Her footsteps were grossly out of sync with Seamus’ wildly beating heart.  
  
x  
  
Almost time to go back to Hogwarts.   
Break was over, or so Seamus had thought  
but his heartbreak felt worse than before.   
  
He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, in his room, staring at the wall above his pillow.

There were Quidditch posters taped to every inch of his walls,  
his pride of the Irish team there for everyone to see.   
  
But on the wall above his pillow was a drawing Dean had made him.  
  
Seamus stared at it.   
Stared at the red and golden swirls in his green room.  
It looked out of place.   
  
Was it?   
Was Dean not supposed to be in his life?   
  
The red fox’s eyes were blazing as they stared back at Seamus. _  
_ His patronus.   
He remembered Dean’s admiration and awe when he’d conjured it for the first time.   
  
A few days later, Dean had given him the painting, cheeks flushing.   
  
‘ _It was so beautiful, I just had to draw it.’_   
  
Seamus had been speechless.  
It wasn’t the first drawing he’d gotten, but it was the first personal one.   
Dean had thought about him while drawing this.   
  
‘ _I’m taking this with me_ ,’ Seamus had said. ‘ _It’s going on the wall above my bed.’_   
  
Dean had shifted awkwardly. ‘ _You don’t have to._ ’

‘ _Mate_ ,’ Seamus had said. ‘ _It’s gorgeous. I love it.’_

Dean had smiled.  
Brightly.   
Happily.  
  
Like he had at Ginny.   
  
Seamus stomach clenched almost painfully.   
  
‘ _Now I don’t have to miss you during the summer_ ,’ Seamus had so stupidly said.   
  
Dean had shoved him lightly. _‘I always write to you! Pages! It’s you who writes me lousy one page letters back_.’   
  
Yeah, but.   
Seamus couldn’t.   
  
The words would spill onto the parchment, because when he’d written all about how boring Ireland was without Dean,  
the words kept going.   
  
_I miss you_.   
_I think about you every day. That’s mental, innit?_ _  
_ _Dreamed about you again. Like that. Sorry._

Seamus sighed, and forced himself to stop pulling on his sleeves.  
He never noticed he did that.   
  
‘Seamus!’ his mother shouted from downstairs. ‘Fergus and his family are going home! Come say goodbye.’

He didn’t want to say goodbye.

Seamus walked past his desk with blank pieces of parchment on it.  
He hadn’t written a single letter to Dean these past few weeks.   
  
Maybe  
they were already saying goodbye.  
  
x 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Sorry, I guess?? It's so angsty. 
> 
> Thanks for reading anyways! Let me know what you thought if you want <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Okay so yeah, I started writing and suddenly I had written SO MUCH that I could upload sooner than I anticipated.
> 
> Enjoy!  
> (if that's the right word for this story...)

‘Seamus,’ Dean called after him.  
  
Seamus tried to walk on, but he was already slowing down so Dean could catch up.  
  
No.  
Dean couldn’t catch up, when all he’d done was go the other way, go on without Seamus.

To his relief, Seamus saw Neville struggling with his bag, probably because he’d stuffed it too full again.  
  
Seamus ran towards him. ‘Help me,’ he said under his breath. ‘Before I go to Dean.’

‘I thought that—okay,’ Neville said when he noticed Seamus’ expression. ‘Okay. Walk with me to an empty classroom and help me with my bag.’  
  
They started walking.  
  
‘You ever think of buying a bigger bag?’

‘You know, I haven’t.’

Seamus forced himself to laugh,  
but it didn’t sound right.

Neville looked over his shoulder. ‘He’s not following us.’

Seamus swallowed away the nauseating feeling in his stomach.  
  
‘‘Course he isn’t.’  
  
x  
  
It was dark and quiet in the common room.  
Almost everyone was asleep.  
Except Seamus.  
Except Dean.  
  
Lying on his side, blanket pulled up to his chin, Seamus watched Dean’s empty bed.  
  
It shouldn’t hurt.  
But his heart felt like a dark and quiet thing inside his chest.  
  
Seamus took a shuddering breath that sounded too loud in the room.  
  
Finally, the door opened, and Seamus recognized Dean’s footsteps, saw his shape move in the corner of his eye  
before Dean threw himself onto the bed.  
  
Seamus didn’t want to know where he’d been,  
but at the same time he wanted to.  
  
‘You been with Ginny?’ he asked.  
  
Dean quickly turned around, obviously startled by Seamus suddenly speaking up.  
  
‘Um... Yeah. Yeah, I was with Ginny.’

Seamus’ hands clenched tighter around his blanket,  
wishing it was Dean’s shirt,  
wishing he could pull him away from her  
and closer to him.  
  
It would be normal to ask how it had been,  
to ask what it was like, snogging her.  
It definitely wasn’t normal to feel like those words would cost him more than air.  
  
‘Seamus?’ Dean asked, hesitatingly.

‘How was it,’ Seamus said quickly, forcing the words out.  
  
‘Um. It was okay, Seamus.’

‘Okay?’  
  
‘Yeah. Okay.’

Seamus bit his lip to stop himself from asking,  
to stop the inevitable wordflow.  
  
But just like he couldn’t stop it from hurting,  
Seamus was already opening his mouth, asking,  
hoping the darkness would swallow up his question before Dean could hear it.

‘What was it like, kissing me?’

It ended up not being the darkness  
but the quiet  
swallowing Seamus’ words.  
Swallowing his pain and hope and all these fecking embarrassing emotions that were so painfully obvious in his question.

‘Seamus,’ Dean said again.

 _Best mates don’t—_  
  
Seamus could feel the skin of his lips tearing  
as he was biting against the words.  
  
_What do I have to do to be someone you can kiss?_ _  
_  
‘It’s—’ Dean started, but cut himself off.  
  
Seamus could taste blood now.  
  
Dean tried again, his words quiet. ‘It’s... It doesn’t compare.’

‘Because I’m a bloke?’  
  
The words tasted bitter in Seamus’ mouth,  
or maybe that was just the blood.  
  
Dean breathed in sharply. ‘No, Seamus, it’s—it’s because you’re... you.’  
  
That—it was—how could—  
How could Seamus ever be anyone other than himself?

The hopelessness of the situation hadn’t fully sunk in yet, but now it hit Seamus full force.  
The dark and quiet inside him was never going to be interrupted by Dean, stumbling in.  
  
Seven minutes was all he’d had before his dream was torn apart by the closet door opening and the words,  
‘ _You can stop pretending now._ ’  
  
The quiet had lasted too long.  
  
Seamus had to say _something_.  
  
‘Thanks for calling me ugly,’ Seamus tried to laugh.  
  
Sounded more like a sob though.

‘You’re not ugly.’

Seamus tried to take calming breaths, but it still sounded like he was close to falling apart. ‘You have to say that ‘cause yer my best mate.’

‘Best mate…’ Dean repeated, like he regretted it.

Not sure he was going to be able to take another knock down,  
Seamus turned around.  
  
Too late though.  
It was a mistake to close his eyes,  
because suddenly tears were falling down his cheeks.  
  
Seamus bit his lip harder, hoping nobody would notice in the darkness.  
  
x

There were quite a few things Seamus didn’t understand.  
  
Like how Neville seemed to just. Know.  
Seamus had never told Neville about his feelings.  
He never even told himself about his feelings.  
But it wasn’t like they were just _there_ one day.  
  
For years, it had been this thrumming, beating thing underneath his skin,  
growing louder in its intensity.  
Louder and louder, until it was silenced  
after just seven minutes.  
  
No, Seamus knew that was a lie.  
It wasn’t silenced.  
But it was definitely quieter.  
  
‘Seamus?’ Neville said. ‘You’re doing that thing again where you’re staring at Dean and looking like you’re about to cry.’

‘Sorry,’ Seamus said, forcing himself to look away. ‘Just thinking about something.’

‘It’s Dean, isn’t it?’

Seamus tried to give Neville a sheepish smile, but it felt forced and awkward, so he just said, ‘Yeah.’  
  
‘I heard you crying,’ Neville said.

Seamus looked at the ground. ‘Oh.’

‘Yeah.’

‘...Sorry.’

‘What? Why are you sorry?’ Neville asked in surprise, making Seamus look up. ‘If you ask me, I think Dean should be the one saying sorry.’

Seamus’ half-smile actually felt real. ‘He hasn’t done anything wrong,’ he said. ‘But thanks, mate.’

‘No, I definitely think he’s wrong,’ Neville insisted. ‘He’s your best friend. He should consider your feelings.’

But Seamus hadn’t told Dean about his feelings.  
At first, he hadn’t thought it necessary because they were busy snogging,  
but then it had been unnecessary because _they_ were snogging.  
  
‘Seamus,’ Neville said.  
  
‘I know.’  
  
Seamus moved to his feet,  
their game of chess still unfinished.  
Didn’t matter that Seamus had been close to winning.  
Close apparently wasn’t good enough.

‘Seamus, this is why he’s supposed to say sorry,’ Neville said.

Dean and Ginny were sitting close to each other in a corner of the common room.  
Seamus watched them talk and laugh.  
  
‘He’s not—’ Seamus started but stopped.  
  
He couldn’t bring himself to say  
_He’s not in love with me_.  
  
x  
  
There were quite a few things Seamus didn’t understand.

Like how Ginny didn’t look at Dean the way she should.

It was bad enough that she was someone Dean wanted to kiss.  
But it was worse that she seemed to get irritated by Dean.  
Often.

Seamus hadn’t touched his breakfast for minutes now, watching Dean and Ginny and trying not to interfere.  
  
Dean was rubbing Ginny’s back, telling her things in hushed whispers.  
Ginny wasn’t listening.

There was a frown on her face as she continued eating, sometimes snapping back at him, which made Dean flinch.

Seamus felt himself getting angry.  
  
Most evenings, Dean was with her, wherever that was, and when he went to bed,  
it was too late for them to talk like they normally did.

Normal being before this.  
Without Ginny.

Seamus desperately wanted to talk.

He wanted Dean’s hushed whispers, talking about drawing, about charms, about things Dean thought were funny.  
  
Seamus just wanted Dean.  
Everything.  
Anything.

Dean sighed and gave up on trying to talk to Ginny. Meanwhile, Seamus saw her gaze wander and wander  
until it paused somewhere.  
She was staring at someone the way Seamus wanted her to look at Dean.  
  
No fecking way.

Seamus turned and followed her gaze and saw  
Harry.  
Scribbling something on a piece of parchment, his breakfast barely eaten.  
  
The intensity of Seamus’ anger made his hands tremble.  
  
‘Gin?’ Dean’s voice startled Seamus.

‘What?’ Ginny asked shortly, dragging her eyes away from Harry.

‘I’m going upstairs to grab my History book,’ Dean said. ‘Do I need to bring anything back for you?’

‘No,’ Ginny said, though Seamus thought she could use a better fecking eyesight.  
  
How she could think Harry was worth staring at when she had Dean there,  
when Dean wanted to kiss her  
and hold her hand  
and _be_ with her.  
  
When she _did_ compare.

Dean stood up and walked out of the Great Hall.  
There had been no kiss.

After a second of hesitation,  
Seamus moved to his feet too.  
  
x  
  
The common room was blissfully empty.  
  
Seamus found Dean standing in front of the empty fireplace, History of Magic book in his hand.  
  
There were quite a few things Seamus didn’t understand.  
History of Magic was one of them.  
  
‘Dean?’ Seamus asked. ‘Are you okay?’

Dean laughed.  
Hollowly.  
  
‘No, I’m not.’

‘Oh,’ Seamus said. ‘Me neither.’

It made Dean look up, and he turned towards Seamus.

How could Ginny not stare at Dean like that?

Whenever Seamus saw Dean, he wanted to stare.  
He stared.

While in the beginning Seamus hadn’t exactly thought that Dean was handsome,  
he _had_ always thought that Dean’s dark brown eyes were _grand_.  
They reminded him of the toffees Seamus’ grandmother always brought with her, sticking Seamus’ teeth together.

Dean’s eyes had the same surprising quality of making him shut up.  
  
In third year, Seamus started thinking that Dean’s lips were made for smiling  
and saying sweet things.  
  
It had been the year Dean had said, ‘ _I still think divination is kind of weird? I’m never going to get red hair. But it is actually sort of accurate that you’re in all of my futures.’_

‘ _I am?_ ’ Seamus had asked, had stopped trying to read the tarot cards in front of him.

‘ _Yeah. Tealeaves, scrying, tarot cards, palm reading, you name it, you’re there.’  
  
_ _‘Really? That’s a coincidence,’_ Seamus had kinda dumbly responded.  
  
Dean had shaken his head with a smile. ‘ _What do you mean?  It’s definitely not a coincidence. I don’t think I can imagine a future without you in it. I mean, who would fill all my silences?’_  
  
Seamus had laughed,  
his heart fluttering.  
  
‘ _Me neither, mate,’_ he’d agreed. ‘ _You’re stuck with my commentary. For like, forever.’_

Dean had sighed dramatically in response, but the corners of his mouth were still turned upwards, turning into a full smile when Seamus had thrown a tarot card at his head.

In their fourth year, Seamus had thought Dean’s body was made for ogling.  
No need to explain what had happened then.

In their fifth year, Seamus couldn’t imagine ever not thinking of Dean as handsome.

He looked at Dean now.

Dean looked at him too.

The History of Magic was thrown aside as Dean sank down on one of the couches.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ Dean echoed Seamus’ thoughts for the past few months.  
  
Seamus sat down next to him,  
the creaking of the couch the only sound in the room until he asked, ‘What d’you want to do?’

There were quite a few things Seamus didn’t understand.  
  
Like how, after his question, Dean cupped Seamus' cheek,  
turned his head,  
and kissed him.

The world seemed to stop.  
Seamus’ breathing definitely did.

He was staring wide-eyed at Dean, whose eyes were closed as he pressed a soft kiss to Seamus’ bottom lip.  
  
Maybe the darkness and quiet were better.  
They were for secrets after all.  
  
So Seamus closed his eyes,  
closed his eyes and kissed Dean back.  
  
Everything was warm.  
Dean’s hand on his cheek.  
Dean’s lips on his.  
Seamus’ chest.  
  
He grabbed Dean’s shoulder and pulled him closer.  
They fell back on the couch.  
Dean didn’t pause, pressing warm kisses against Seamus’ lips again and again and again.  
  
Dean’s tongue found his, and Seamus sighed and tightened his arms around Dean to hold him as close as possible.

It seemed like Dean had the same idea,  
because he also moved closer, pressing his body against Seamus in a way that made Seamus’ breath stutter.

Everything felt so warm and wonderful.  
  
Dean moaned into their kiss, and it sounded almost desperate.  
He moved away from Seamus’ lips, kissing his way down,  
down Seamus’ jaw to his neck.  
  
Soft lips, hot breath.  
  
It was unlike anything Seamus had ever felt  
and he shivered  
and he burned  
and he groaned,  
‘ _Dean_.’  
  
And Dean.  
Dean pulled back.  
Suddenly and quickly, like he didn’t want this after all, eyes wide and filled with horror.  
  
‘ _Oh no_ ,’ Dean whispered. ‘I can’t believe. I’m sorry, Seamus, I—I didn’t want to—I shouldn’t have. It’s just…’  
  
Seamus sat up.

‘You’re my best friend,’ Dean said desperately. Not looking at Seamus. ‘And—and Ginny. She’s my girlfriend.’  
  
It was like Dean had used up all the words in the room, because Seamus couldn’t find any.  
Couldn’t do anything but stare at Dean.  
Stare at his eyes,  
lips  
and tense body.

‘I was just. Frustrated. About Ginny,’ Dean said. ‘This didn’t- I’m so sorry, Seamus. I didn’t mean to…’

‘I know,’ Seamus croaked, voice sounding weird and wobbly.  
  
_I asked you what you wanted._  
  
‘Best mates don’t kiss, right?’ Seamus said, forcing the smile on his face even though it was killing him.

 _And you kissed  
_ _me.  
  
_ ‘Right,’ Dean said, eyes glued to the ground, looking like he regretted everything he’d ever done. Seamus just hoped that included Ginny too.  
  
Dean got to his feet. ‘Class,’ he said. ‘It’s late.’

‘Too late?’ Seamus asked.

Dean didn’t look at the clock as he answered,  
‘No, not yet.’  
  
x  
  
While the History of Magic lesson kept going,  
while the world kept spinning towards the inevitable,  
Seamus hesitatingly touched his lips.

For just a moment,  
they had been the inevitable.  
  
Now his lips just felt cold.  
  
x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> If you want, let me know what you thought :)
> 
> Oh, and feel free to shout at me on twitter (@idnis9) or tumblr (idnis.tumblr.com) if you want! I'm always up for talking to more people about Dean and Seamus, and Deamus, and just... them being in love. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> Today was a pyjama day. Good times.  
> Anyways. I'm back because I have so many feels about these boys. You have no idea.
> 
> Enjoy!

February.  
Just a week before Valentine’s Day.  
  
With Katie still in the Hospital wing, and Harry disappearing with Dumbledore, no one really felt the need to celebrate it.  
But they still did.  
Hogwarts and Hogsmeade still did.  
  
‘Can I talk to you about Valentine’s or is it too awkward?’ Neville asked him.  
  
‘No. Shoot,’ Seamus said.  
  
‘I think I want to send a card or something. Only I think a card is too simple. But anything else she might not see as a Valentine’s gift.’  
  
Seamus looked at Neville, who was sitting on his own bed, the buttons of his shirt half undone.  
He looked half undone himself.  
  
‘Can you say something?’ Neville asked awkwardly.  
  
‘Oh sorry, I didn’t hear a question.’  
  
‘I don’t think it’s a question,’ Neville said. ‘But I definitely need to hear what you think. I was thinking of sending her something in flower language.’  
  
‘That’s romantic.’  
  
‘Is it?’  
  
‘Yeah, think so.’  
  
‘Okay,’ Neville said. ‘Okay, then I’ll do that.’

He started to unbutton the rest of his shirt, then paused.  
  
‘What if she doesn’t understand flower language?’  
  
‘Pretty sure no one does, mate,’ Seamus said, feeling a half-smile tug at his lips.    
A real one.  
  
Looking almost relieved for a second,    
Neville smiled at him,  
before throwing his shirt at Seamus’ head.  
  
‘I do!’ he exclaimed.  
  
‘Yeah, ‘cause yer a nerd,’ Seamus laughed, the sound ringing loud through the dormitory.   
  
‘Call me that again, I dare you,’ Neville grinned, stalking closer, his pillow half-hidden behind his back.

Seamus’ smile felt unused but not unwanted as he repeated slowly,  
‘Nerd.’

With a war cry, Neville smacked his pillow against Seamus’ side. He tried to duck but failed. 

‘Mean, Irish boy!’ Neville yelled, punctuating his words with his pillow and sounding very much like Seamus’ grandmother.   
  
Seamus laughed as he tried to kick Neville off,  
but Neville was ferocious in his attacks, a grin plastered on his face.   
And relief.   
Definitely relief.

Until the door to their dormitory opened,  
Dean pausing in the door opening when he saw them.

Neville stopped attacking.  
Seamus stopped smiling.

They both turned to Dean.

‘Thought I… heard something,’ Dean muttered, dropping his gaze to the ground.

‘Yeah, I made Seamus laugh,’ Neville said, staring at Dean. ‘Because it’s been too bloody long.’   
  
Not saying anything, and looking very uncomfortable and out of place,    
Dean just nodded.   
  
‘So,’ Seamus said, clearing his throat. ‘What you need here?’

Dean looked up,  
looked at him.

His eyes were full of an emotion Seamus couldn’t understand  
because Dean was still too far away from him.

‘Nothing,’ Dean said eventually. ‘Just… heard something.’

x  
  
February.  
Just four days until Valentine’s Day.  
  
Seamus was walking towards potions  
when Dean caught up with him.  
  
Seamus nearly stopped walking, but managed to continue on like it wasn’t awkward to see Dean alone for the first time after their second kiss.  
  
Seamus refused to stop counting them.  
To call it a _last_ kiss.  
  
Even though.

_ I didn’t want to… _

Seamus nervously pulled on the sleeve of his robes.

‘Hi,’ Dean said, not looking at Seamus.

‘Hi,’ Seamus said.  
  
They continued walking.  
They continued not looking at each other.  
But Seamus couldn’t handle the silence.

‘How’s your girlfriend?’ he asked.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Dean almost flinch.  
  
‘I don’t know,’ Dean answered. ‘I think she’s unhappy with me.’

‘Then she’s feckin’ stupid.’

The words slipped past his mouth before he could help it.  
  
Startled, Dean looked at him, eyes wide.  
Seamus was helpless against that look, because he knew how Dean felt about himself.   
Like he wasn’t toffee and sweetness and ogle-worthy.  
  
So Seamus tried smiling at Dean,  
pretending for a moment that nothing had happened.

He didn’t really succeed.  

All he could think about was that Ginny made Dean feel insecure and it made him so, so angry.   
Anger didn’t make for the best smiles.

But nothing made him as angry as Dean’s next question.

‘What’s wrong?’

Seamus stopped walking.  
Stopped pretending.

‘Yer really asking me this?’ he asked, incredulous. Hurt. 

‘Look, I  _ know _ I shouldn’t have done… what I did,’ Dean started awkwardly,  
but Seamus immediately stopped him.

‘No, you shouldn’t have,’ he agreed angrily.

Dean shouldn’t have kissed him again  
when he was only going to pull back a second time.

Dean looked hurt.  
  
It made Seamus realize he wasn’t any better than Ginny.  
They were both hurting Dean right now.  
  
But he was so angry  
and he was hurting so much.  
  
‘Go play quidditch with her,’ Seamus said. ‘Maybe that’ll cheer you both up.’  
  
‘Oh, yeah, that might work,’ Dean said hesitatingly. ‘But. Um. _We_ never do anything together anymore…’  
  
The words made Seamus feel close to breaking, anger pushing at his skin.  
Like he was going to combust any second now.  
  
But Dean was his best friend.  
Deserved the best.  
  
‘Not my fault,’ Seamus said shortly,  
then walked off before different kinds of words slipped past his mouth.  
  
Words like  
_I asked you what you wanted_ _and you kissed  
__me.  
  
_ x  
  
February.  
Two days until Valentine’s Day.  
  
‘It’s just… we snog a lot, you know?’ Ron said.

The lights in their dormitory were dimmed,  
and it was hard to see each other’s faces, but the firewhiskey inside their glasses still sparkled faintly.  
  
‘No shit,’ Neville said drily. ‘We didn’t know.’  
  
‘Never even noticed,’ Seamus said.  
  
‘I just wish we talked more, maybe…’ Ron mumbled. ‘Is that wrong?’  
  
Not at all, Seamus thought.  
  
‘Are you happy with her?’ Harry asked.  
  
‘Yeah, think so.’  
  
‘You think so?’ Neville asked.  
  
‘Yeah, you know. It’s like. I kind of like it when we hang out.’  
  
Neville snorted,  
then turned towards Dean.  
  
‘Is it like that with you and Ginny?’  
  
The atmosphere in the room changed suddenly. Seamus looked around, because he definitely wasn’t going to look at Dean, and saw that Harry was looking a bit irritated.   
Figured.  
  
‘No… Not really,’ Dean answered.  
  
‘What’s it like then?’ Seamus asked.   
He didn’t want to know.  
  
‘It’s like. I don’t know.’ Dean paused, looking for words. ‘It’s like hanging out with a friend, I guess.’  
  
‘Except you snog,’ Neville stated. 

Seamus tensed.  
Stared hard at his blanket.  
Eyes burning.  
  
_Best friends don’t kiss.  
  
_ ‘Well, yeah. No? Um, I guess,’ Dean said awkwardly.  
  
‘I don’t need to know, mate,’ Ron groaned.  
  
‘What did you think they did?’ Neville asked.  
  
‘I don’t know!’ Ron exclaimed. ‘I just don’t want to hear it.’  
  
‘Are you going to do something for Valentine’s Day?’ Seamus asked the room, or Dean, or whoever was listening.  
  
Himself maybe.  
  
It was Dean who answered though.  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ Ron piped up. ‘About that. So I don’t know what to get her...’  
  
The evening ended with them all agreeing it probably wouldn’t matter _what_ Ron got her, because they’d be too busy snogging for Lavender to actually see what it was.  
  
x  
  
February.  
Valentine’s Day.  
  
‘Hi Seamus,’ a girl from Hufflepuff said quietly.  
  
From the looks of it, she was a year or two younger.  
Pretty though.  
Blonde hair, blue eyes.  
Nothing the colour of toffees.  
  
‘Hi,’ Seamus said, motioning for Neville to continue walking to Herbology. ‘Can I help you?’  
  
‘Well,’ she said, laughing a little at her own awkwardness. It was a cute laugh. She held out a small bag. ‘It’s for you,’ she said. ‘For Valentine’s Day.’

‘Oh,’ Seamus said. ‘Really?’  
  
‘Really,’ she smiled.  
  
‘I’ll look at it later,’ Seamus promised her. ‘I don’t want to be late for Herbology, sorry.’  
  
She waved off his apology.  
‘Don’t worry. I’ll catch you at dinner, maybe?’  
  
Seamus wasn’t sure she could.  
Catch him.  
He was still lost,  
still waiting to be found.  
  
_You’re going to make a sweet lass very happy one day.  
_  
‘Yeah, maybe,’ Seamus said.  
  
They said goodbye,  
and Seamus ran all the way to the greenhouses, the small bag clutched in his hand.  
  
‘What’s that?’ Neville asked as Seamus joined them.  
  
‘Valentine’s gift,’ Seamus said.

‘Wow, really?’  
  
‘My reaction too.’  
  
‘I didn’t mean it badly,’ Neville said. ‘It’s just. I guess I forgot, being so focused on you and Dean.’  
  
Seamus blushed and smacked him on the arm.  
  
‘Ssh,’ he said, then. ‘Yer right. I think I did too.’   
  
x  
  
February.   
Not Valentine’s Day.   
Just a Saturday.

Seamus put another piece of chocolate in his mouth.

Dean and Ginny were standing near the window, observing the weather,  
checking if it was good for using their  _ accustomed _ flying styles. 

Until Harry walked by.  
  
‘Hi guys,’ he said. ‘What are you up to?’   
  
Ginny immediately turned around.   
‘We wanted to go flying today. Want to join us?’  
  
Dean’s smile wavered, and it allowed Seamus to see the hurt there for a second.  
  
‘Oh. Yeah, sure,’ Harry said.  
  
It was a rather excited face for just ‘yeah, sure’.  
  
Seamus couldn’t watch this any longer.  
He walked over.

‘Dean,’ he said. 

Dean looked at him.  
Seamus wasn’t sure what Ginny or Harry did, because as per usual, when Dean looked at him, he tended to forget about others.  
  
‘Can I ask you something about our History of Magic homework?’  
  
Dean’s eyes flickered to Ginny for a split second, who wasn’t even looking at him.  
Seamus balled his hands into fists. 

‘Yeah, sure,’ Dean said.  
  
Seamus hoped Dean meant it the way Harry had.  
  
Yeah, sure,    
because I want nothing more than to hang out with you.   
Yeah, sure,    
because I just need an excuse to be with you.  
  
Yeah, sure,   
Seamus thought.  
  
They walked to their dormitory, Seamus explaining he still needed to grab his books, and Dean accepted this without another word.  
  
It was a stupid idea when the door closed behind them and Seamus noticed they were alone.   
Alone together.

He pretended to search through his trunk.  
  
‘The homework’s tough, isn’t it?’ Dean said casually.  
  
‘I’ve got a date,’ Seamus blurted out, the words rushing out of him.  
  
Silence.  
Then.  
  
‘What?’  
  
Seamus turned around.  
  
‘She asked me out on Valentine’s Day. We’re going tomorrow.’  
  
He watched Dean’s reaction.  
No, not true.   
He watched  _ for _ Dean’s reaction.  
Because it seemed like nothing was there.  
  
‘Oh,’ Dean said eventually. ‘Okay.’

Was it really?  
If you asked Seamus’ mother, it probably was.  
  
‘I don’t know what to do,’ Seamus said.  
  
‘Just be yourself.’  
  
‘Oh.’  
  
‘You’re the best when you’re yourself.’  
  
_ Rip _ said Seamus’ sleeve.  
Not again.  
  
‘Oh,’ Seamus said again, biting his lip to stop more words from coming out.  
  
‘Don’t be nervous,’ Dean said, interpreting him all wrong. ‘It’ll be okay.’    
  
Would it?  
  
‘Oh, and wear your green sweater,’ Dean added.  
  
‘Green?’ 

‘Yeah. It looks good on you.’  
  
The words took Seamus by surprise, and he blushed.    
He wondered if Dean would notice if he only wore his green sweater from now on.  
  
And because he’d been surprised,  
the words managed to slip past.  
  
‘What’s it like kissing me?’  
  
He was met with silence.  
Seamus looked up.  
Looked at Dean.  
  
Dean looked startled.

‘So I know if I’m any good,’ Seamus added.

‘Oh,’ Dean said, nodding, like that made  _ so  _ much more sense to him. ‘Don’t be nervous,’ he repeated. ‘You’re good.’  
  
The words made Seamus’ heart flutter.  
Good.  
But not good enough to kiss again.  
Not good enough that Dean would choose him instead of Ginny.  
  
Seamus wanted so desperately to be good enough.

If all his longing could be put into a word,

‘Okay.’

definitely wasn’t it.

x  
  
Seamus searched through his trunk for his green sweater.   
He found it after some digging, and held it up in the morning light.    
  
_ It looks good on you _ .   
  
Again, Seamus’ heart fluttered inside his chest as he remembered the words.  
  
But his hands clenched around the sweater.  
  
He didn’t need to look good for Dean.   
He needed to look good for Valerie.    
  
Seamus watched the sweater,  
still holding it up.   
  
And almost dropping it when Neville opened the door, returning from breakfast.  
  
‘I am here to give you not exactly the best advice because I’ve never dated,’ Neville said, sitting down on Seamus’ bed. ‘Is that what you’re wearing?’  
  
‘No,’ Seamus said resolutely,  
throwing the sweater on the ground and searching through his trunk for something else.   
  
x  
  
‘I  _ love  _ this place,’ Valerie said as they sat down in a small cafe, hidden in small street in Hogsmeade. 

Seamus had never heard about it before, but Valerie had assured him the breakfast was good.   
  
He looked around at the mismatched tables and chairs,    
at the colourful, wonky vases with bright flowers inside them.   
  
‘I don’t know why I’ve never been,’ Seamus said. ‘It looks nice and all.’

‘Yeah, most people like to stick to what they know.’ Valerie leaned forward, her blue eyes almost as bright as the colours inside the cafe. ‘I like to try out different things. New things.’

‘Oh,’ Seamus said, kind of impressed.    
  
The waiter came by their table then, a boy a few years older than Seamus, with dark brown hair that was sticking up in various places.    
It was kind of cute.

‘Are you ready to order?’ he asked them.

Valerie recited her order, while Seamus scrambled to remember what he wanted to eat.   
After he’d ordered, the boy smiled at him as he said, ‘I’ll be right back.’

Seamus kind of liked his smile.

‘The people are nice here,’ Valerie commented after he’d gone.

‘Nice. Yeah,’ Seamus mumbled.  
  
‘So what did you think about the chocolates?’ Valerie asked.  
  
‘Oh, they were grand. Thank you. I owe you chocolate.’  
  
She waved his words away.  
‘You don’t owe me anything. I’m glad they were nice. They’re actually my favourite.’  
  
‘D’you also try out every possible chocolate flavour?’  
  
She laughed.  
It was a light sound.  
  
‘I do, actually. Doesn’t mean I don’t have an obvious favourite.’    
  
‘So what’s the weirdest you’ve ever tasted?’ Seamus asked,  
and something sparkled inside Valerie’s blue eyes as she started a story about how one time, during a holiday in Poland…    
  
And without noticing, Seamus found himself laughing with her, sharing stories of his own and listening attentively to hers.   
  
Maybe she was right, he thought, as they walked back to the castle and the back of her hand bumped against his.

Maybe it was time for him try out something different, something new.

The next time their hands bumped together,  
Seamus grabbed hers.   
  
Wasn’t all that bad.  
  
x  
  
‘I can’t believe I haven’t had the time to ask you today,’ Neville said, while they were all getting ready to go to bed.   
  
‘You’ve had ti-’ Seamus started, but Neville interrupted him.    
  
‘So how was your date?’

‘Oh, uh, it was nice. We tried something new.’

‘New?’ Ron asked.

‘Yeah,’ Seamus said, noticing how still Dean had gone beside him. ‘Something new.’  
  
x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGh why did I make her so NICE??
> 
> Anyways. Sorry, this chapter is a little bit on the shorter side, but it felt right to end it here. Next chapter will be longer, I think :) 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! <3 Let me know what you think. If you want!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Hope you all had a lovely start of the week :) I'm SO tired. My internship was especially taxing today but oh well. Those days happen I guess.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Valerie walked to their table on Wednesday.  
All alone,  
blonde hair tied up in a bun.  
  
Neville and Dean scooted over so she could sit opposite Seamus.  
  
‘Good morning,’ she smiled.   
  
‘Good… morning,’ Seamus replied, surprised.  
  
‘Okay if I sit here?’   
  
‘Yeah, definitely.’  
  
And it was.  
Valerie was entertaining,   
fun to be around.  
  
Seamus found himself laughing, again, as she tried out all kinds of gross breakfast combinations, giving a grand commentary about their success or failure.  
  
 _Clatter  
_ said Dean’s knife.  
  
But Dean didn’t say anything.  
Instead he moved to his feet and walked out of the Great Hall.  
  
Seamus watched him go, watched him get farther away   
until he disappeared from view.  
  
‘How about this muffin and the coffee?’ Valerie asked, so Seamus turned towards her again.  
  
A mischievous smile was on her face, and Seamus found himself joining her, laughing as she grimaced at the taste of the coffee soaked muffin.  
  
‘D’you have to try out everything?’ he asked.  
  
Valerie shrugged.  
‘I like trying out new things. But also…’ She looked quickly to the side, as if embarrassed. ‘I like hearing you laugh.’  
  
Seamus felt himself blush.  
  
‘O-oh,’ he said.  
  
Because what else should he say?  
‘Thank you’ was definitely too weird.  
  
It was only when he’d caught up with Neville and they’d almost reached Transfiguration that he realized he should’ve said  
  
‘I like your laugh too.’  
  
x  
  
Something new definitely happened a few weeks, dates and funny breakfasts later.  
  
‘I want to break up with Lavender,’ Ron said.  
  
‘Really?’ Harry asked politely.  
  
‘Finally,’ Neville said.  
  
Ron ignored that.  
‘I just don’t know how,’ he said. ‘She’s going to be heartbroken.’  
  
‘It’s worse if you stay with her when you don’t love her,’ Neville said, turning towards Dean. ‘Don’t you agree?’  
  
‘Uh. Yeah. Definitely,’ Dean mumbled, looking down at his bed.  
  
‘She’ll get over it,’ Seamus said. ‘It’s tough, definitely. But she’ll be fine, after a while.’  
  
It should’ve been Ron,  
but it was Dean who asked,  
‘Really?’  
  
Seamus turned to Dean, his best mate,  
and lied.  
  
‘Really.’  
  
x  
  
‘It’s weird, isn’t it?’ Neville said.   
  
‘What?’ Seamus asked, looking up from their chess game and following Neville’s gaze.  
  
He was looking at Ron and Harry, sitting opposite each other on two armchairs, chatting while doing their homework.  
  
‘I don’t see what-’  
  
‘No Lavender,’ Neville said.  
  
‘Oh, yeah.’  
  
‘I saw her crying today,’ Neville said.  
  
‘I know how she feels.’  
  
‘No you don’t.’  
  
Seamus turned to Neville in surprise.  
  
‘Lavender didn’t see Ron kiss Hermione. For example,’ Neville added. ‘She wasn’t dumped for someone else.’  
  
‘Is it any different though?’  
  
Instead of replying, Neville turned his attention back to their chessboard, thinking about his next move  
while Seamus thought about Neville’s comment.  
  
Seeing Dean and Ginny had hurt beyond belief.  
It was still hurting  
to see everyday that he wasn’t good enough.  
That he didn’t compare.

‘I guess it’s nice,’ Seamus said instead. ‘Ron and Harry doing something together again.’   
  
‘That’s what friends are for,’ Neville said, moving his tower. ‘Staying when others go.’  
  
Seamus froze.  
He’d always focused on  
  
_ Best mates don’t kiss.  
  
_ But maybe he should’ve focused on  
  
_ Best mates stay, when others don’t.  
  
_ x  
  
It were those words, and something else, that made something new happen again that weekend.  
Something new.   
  
But first, something else.

Having woken up too late, Seamus had to rush through his preparations  
and through the common room.  
  
Dean calling out his name stopped him however.

‘Can I talk to you for a second?’

Seamus looked at the clock.   
Almost too late.  
  
‘Not really,’ he said, bouncing on his feet. ‘I’m already late for my date.’   
  
‘Oh,’ Dean said.  
  
‘So what’s up?’   
  
‘Um.’    
Dean dropped his gaze to the ground,   
and Seamus saw him rubbing his hands together, and wiping them against his trousers.   
Was Dean nervous?  
  
‘Something wrong?’ Seamus asked.  
  
‘Yeah,’ Dean said quietly. Almost a whisper. ‘ _ Everything’s _ wrong.’  
  
Oh.  
  
‘Took you long enough,’ Seamus said.  
  
Dean looked up.  
The pain that Seamus felt every day  
seemed to be echoed in Dean’s dark brown eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ Dean said, voice almost breaking.  
  
Almost breaking Seamus,  
who wasn’t sure he was breathing,  
wondering what Dean meant,  
what he was apologising for.  
  
All thoughts about his date were gone,  
replaced by Dean, Dean, Dean.

‘For?’ Seamus breathed.  
  
Dean sighed deeply.  
Rubbed his hands together again.  
Bit his lip.  
Looked at anything but Seamus.  
  
‘For, um. You know... I don’t think I ever properly apologised. I did something without thinking, without asking and-’  
  
_ Rip  
_ said Seamus’ sleeve.  
Said Seamus’ heart.  
  
‘Yeah thanks,  _ mate _ ,’ Seamus interrupted Dean. ‘I really needed that apology. So let’s kiss and make up now. Oh wait,’ he said, hearing the  _ hurt _ in his own voice. ‘We don’t do  _ that _ , do we?’   
  
It was ugly.   
The anger.   
The hurt.  
  
Dean’s sleeve didn’t rip  
but something must’ve, because the pain didn’t just flash through his eyes.   
It showed on his face,  
in the trembling of his lips  
and the dropping of his shoulders.

The tears were a dead giveaway too.

‘Sorry,’ Seamus said immediately. ‘I-’

‘N-no, you’re right,’ Dean said. ‘I wasn’t thinking. I’ll go. You’re late for your date.’

The world had been spinning all these months,  
but this was the first time Seamus felt it was   
_ reversed  
_ like he was upside down.   
Like everything was flipped.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Almost too late.’  
  
x  
  
‘You should’ve seen your face,’ Valerie laughed, swinging their joined hands between them. ‘When you tried the rabbit.’  
  
‘I’m sorry, but all I could picture was it moving and jumping around on its little feet. An’ here I was, eating it.’  
  
Valerie giggled.  
  
‘That’s sweet.’

Seamus ducked his head to hide his blush.  
He still hadn’t found the words to say anything back.  
  
It was dark outside, not a lot of people on the streets anymore.  
  
The walk back to the castle was nice and fun, as everything was with Valerie.   
She made Seamus smile again.   
Made him forget about his ripped heart.  
  
The only problem was that whenever Seamus looked at her, he wanted to hug her, sure,  
but that was about as far as his fantasies went.

She didn’t make him forget about the feeling of Dean’s lips on his.   
She didn’t make him want to give up on that feeling.   
  
But

_ Best mates don’t- _

No, Seamus thought.   
_ Best mates stay, when others don’t. _

So maybe it was better to stay friends.  
Maybe it was time Seamus tried something new.   
  
‘Valerie,’ he said, pausing in front of the castle’s doors.

‘Yeah?’ she asked, looking up at him.    
Her blue eyes were kind of pretty, Seamus thought, before dropping his gaze to her lips.   
They were pinkish and small.

‘Can I kiss you?’ he asked.

Valerie giggled.  
‘Definitely.’  
  
And Seamus did.  
  
Their lips pressed together faintly at first, before Valerie threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.   
  
It was definitely different.   
  
Seamus knew how kissing worked, knew what he was supposed to do.   
So that was what he did.  
  
There was no push and pull  
no want and need  
no give and take.  
  
It was just kissing.  
  
Oh, Seamus thought.   
It doesn’t compare.  
  
_ Shite _ , Seamus thought.  
It doesn’t compare.  
  
Valerie leaned back, a small smile on her lips.

‘Mm,’ she hummed. ‘Thanks for the goodnight kiss.’

‘No problem,’ Seamus replied kind of lamely. 

‘I should hope not,’ she laughed, and pulled him back inside the castle. ‘Let’s get inside where it’s warmer.’

x  
  
It was dark and quiet in the dormitory when  Seamus stumbled inside.  
  
Almost everyone was asleep.   
Except Dean, who asked,  
‘How was your date?’

‘Uh, yeah, it was okay,’ Seamus answered, pulling out his pyjamas from underneath his blanket.

‘Okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Seamus said. ‘Okay.’  
  
He bit his lip to stop himself from telling more.   
From explaining that no one could probably ever take Dean’s place,  
but also  
that if they couldn’t be together  _ like that _ , Seamus would just be his best mate.   
Seamus would stay.  
  
The quiet in the room was heavy.

‘We kissed,’ Seamus blurted out.

‘Oh,’ Dean said, the word breaking near the middle.   
Seamus wondered why.

‘Was it… grand?’    
  
Seamus smiled at Dean using the Irish word,  
ignoring the hurt tugging at his heart.  
  
Best mates stay.

‘Yeah,’ he lied. ‘Grand.’

Dean was quiet.

‘Dean?’ Seamus whispered.  
  
‘Yeah?’  
  
‘I’m glad we’re best friends.’  
  
Dean made a choked off sound that sounded too loud in the quiet of the room.  
  
After what seemed like hours,  
but could’ve just as easily been seven minutes,  
Dean said,  
  
‘Me too.’  
  
x  
  
The last new thing was this.

‘Have you heard?’ Neville asked Seamus on their way to breakfast. ‘Ginny and Dean broke up.’  
  
Seamus nearly tripped,   
but managed to stay upright.    
Managed to not get knocked down.

‘What? When?’

‘Uh, two days ago I think.’  
  
_ Everything’s wrong.  
  
_ Oh no.  
Dean had been heartbroken,  
and Seamus had been mean to him, telling Dean off because he was hurt and tired of trying not to let it show how much the situation cost him.   
  
‘ _ Shite _ ,’ Seamus said, quickening his steps.  
  
‘What? Uh, why are we speed walking to breakfast?’  
  
But Seamus was already starting to run,  
quickly making his way to the Gryffindor table where Dean was already sitting, facing him.  
  
‘Dean!’ Seamus shouted.   
  
Almost there.   
Almost.  
  
‘Seamus?’ Dean said in confusion.  
  
Seamus’ breathing was a bit heavy as he gasped out,  
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, mate.’  
  
‘About?’ Dean asked.  
  
‘Seamus,’ Neville said in a kind of urgent tone.  
  
‘Good morning,’ Valerie singsonged, grabbing Seamus’ hand, causing Seamus to turn in surprise, before leaning in and placing a kiss on his lips.  
  
‘Oh,’ Neville said. ‘That’s bad.’  
  
Valerie leaned back and looked from Neville to Seamus to Dean.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’  
  
Everything.  
  
‘Uh, Dean and Ginny broke up,’ Seamus explained poorly.  
  
‘Oh, really?’ Valerie asked in concern. ‘I’m sorry. Are you okay, Dean?’  
  
The answer was obvious.  
  
‘Not really,’ Dean said.   
  
x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh well yeah, I can explain why it's STILL angsty....heh
> 
> But don't worry, I'll upload in a day or two, because I've written A LOT this weekend. I promise <3 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> GOSH I've been craving deamus content for this entire week. WHY ISN'T THIS SHIP POPULAR? I need to read about these boys falling in love AGAIN AND AGAIN and I need to see them holding hands and laughing and hugging  
> gnnhh  
> Feels.
> 
> Okay sorry.
> 
> Enjoy this chapter!

Things went pretty fast from there.  
Lots of throwing.

Dean threw himself into quidditch practice, almost never hanging out in the common room anymore.    
Not that Seamus was there.    
Aside from school and homework and writing until his hand cramped, Valerie took up most of his time.    
They explored, they found new things.    
  
But it wasn’t new to Seamus to find out he wanted to show every amazing thing to Dean.   
  
Valerie was nice and okay.   
Still didn’t compare.   
But neither did Seamus, so that was okay in a way too.   
  
It was what he told Neville, who asked him why he never even tried to speak to Dean anymore.   
  
Neville, who threw the words out like they were nothing.

‘I’m sorry, mate, but now  _ you’re _ being insensitive. For the love of merlin, just talk to him.’   
  
Neville, who said,  
‘He’s just broken up with Ginny. Don’t you think you should be there for him?’

Valerie, who said,  
‘I agree. I think space is nice, but it shouldn’t be the galaxy, you know?’

To which Seamus said,  
‘What?’  
  
Valerie punched him on the arm,  
then almost threw him onto the quidditch pitch where the Gryffindor team was training.  
  
And Seamus watched Dean.  
Like he’d always done.  
  
x  
  
Dean didn’t walk away after practice.  
He didn’t even change before walking over, which Seamus didn’t mind. At all.  
He blushed at his own thoughts.  
  
‘Hey,’ Dean said.  
  
‘Hey,’ Seamus said.  
Tried to smile.  
Yeah, wasn’t even close.  
  
‘How’re ye doing?’ Seamus asked.  
  
‘Not okay,’ Dean answered. ‘You?’  
  
‘Getting there.’  
  
‘Really?’  
  
‘Really,’ Seamus answered honestly, but for some reason his voice sounded sad.  
  
‘Training’s been tough,’ Dean said. ‘Because of the final game of the year.’

‘Already the last game?’ Seamus asked in surprise, feeling like the world was spinning too fast.

‘Yeah. Just one more chance to win.’

‘Should I make a banner?’ 

Dean tried smiling.  
Almost.  
  
‘I think you’d make everyone happy with your art.’  
  
‘I know _ you _ do,’ Seamus said.  
  
Dean dropped his gaze.  
His words were quiet.

‘I don’t make anyone happy right now.’  
  
Seamus stood up then.  
  
‘Mate. You have to make yerself happy first.’  
  
Dean’s fingers clenched around his broom, and his gaze remained on the ground as he whispered,  
‘I can’t...’  
  
The rest of the sentence hung between them  
and Seamus could almost read it, could almost hear it,  
but yeah.  
Almost wasn’t good enough.  
  
x  
  
Harry threw a spell at Malfoy.  
Almost killed him.  
  
Seamus threw his hands in the air   
as Gryffindor won the final game of the year.  
  
Ginny threw her arms around Harry when he entered the common room in a daze,  
and kissed him.   
  
Lots of throwing.  
  
x  
  
‘I don’t use this word often,’ Neville said, looking at Dean. ‘But this is fucked up.’  
  
Dean shrugged.  
He didn’t look happy.  
  
‘It kinda is,’ Seamus said. ‘I mean, even though you weren’t together, she kissed Harry too soon.’  
  
‘Imagine if she’d kissed him while still being with Dean,’ Neville said, throwing the words in their faces.   
  
Dean froze.   
  
Seamus started pulling on his sleeve.

Neither of them said anything  
and the silence was dark and heavy.  
  
‘This is fucked up,’ Neville sighed.  
  
x  
  
‘Want to talk to me?’ Seamus asked, hesitatingly sitting down on Dean’s bed.   
  
Dean lowered the magazine he was reading, but he didn’t meet Seamus’ eyes.  
He nervously wiped his hands against the blanket.  
  
‘I don’t want to, um, talk,’ Dean said.  
  
‘Oh,’ Seamus said. ‘Well, I’m here for you if you do want to.’   
  
Dean didn’t say anything, biting on his lip.

Was he also holding in the words?

Probably not.   
Dean was always good at thinking things through.    
Was good at weighing the pros and cons, at making difficult decisions.   
It was Seamus who normally blurted things out.  
  
‘You’re not though.’

The words were said so fast, Seamus wasn’t sure it had been Dean who’d said them.   
But there was no one else in their dormitory.   
Just them.  
  
And then the  _ unfairness _ hit Seamus.  
  
‘...Sorry?’ he said. ‘But remind me who disappeared first?’  
  
‘Disappeared?’ Dean repeated, confused. ‘I didn’t-’  
  
‘You feckin’ did, and you know it. Ye fecked off with Ginny as soon as we were out that closet and didn’t even think about askin’ me how  _ I _ felt about it.’  
  
Dean’s eyes were wide.  
‘I-’  
  
‘At least I  _ asked _ if ye wanted to talk to me. At least I feckin’ asked!’

Seamus quickly moved to his feet, getting angrier with the second.   
Not good.  
When he was angry, he always said things he ended up regretting.  
  
‘But I never meant for…  _ that _ to happen,’ Dean said weakly. ‘And I didn’t... want to talk about it.’  
  
‘Course not.    
Was probably another thing best mates  _ didn’t do _ .   
Fists clenching, Seamus felt like throwing something at Dean.  
He settled for words.  
  
‘ _ I did! _ I wanted to talk so badly I was afraid I was going to explode! I needed my best mate to explain to me what happened!’  
  
‘But it wasn’t-’  
  
‘ _ Stop  _ saying that!’ Seamus shouted, feeling himself shake.    
Feeling himself break.   
‘It happened, okay?  _ You _ grabbed me an’ we kissed in that closet, Dean, we feckin’  _ kissed _ , and then you did it again!’ 

Dean flinched at Seamus words,   
then averted his head like he didn’t want to hear the words at all.  
  
‘I already said I was sorry, didn’t I?’ Dean spat out.   
  
Seamus was shocked to see tears fall down Dean’s cheeks.   
Even more shocked to feel them drip down his own chin.

He angrily wiped them away.

‘I don’t  _ want  _ yer feckin’ apology!’ Seamus shouted, voice breaking as the tears were streaming now. ‘I just want-’

‘I can’t give you more than this!’ Dean shouted back.

It hurt.   
It hurt  _ so _ much.  
  
A sob broke through Seamus’ pathetic attempt at keeping himself quiet  
and he tried to keep it in by covering his mouth with his hand,  
but he was shaking too much.  
  
He hadn’t wanted an apology  
so he’d gotten a rejection instead.

The door to the dormitory suddenly flew open  
and Neville ran inside, wand out, face as white as a sheet.

‘Death eaters,’ he whispered, ‘In the castle.’  
  
x  
  
That night, Dumbledore’s body was thrown off the astronomy tower.  
  
x  
  
Tired,  _ very _ tired, and feeling like he was wrung out like a wet towel, Seamus pushed himself out of bed and got dressed for Dumbledore’s funeral.

It didn’t feel real.

It hadn’t felt real last night, running through Hogwarts with his wand out, Neville and Dean on either side of him.   
Okay, maybe that  _ had _ felt real.    
His best mates by his side.

But Seamus was almost sure he’d dreamed the words Dean had said to him before they were running after Neville.  
  
‘Be careful,’ Dean had said, the words rushing out of him, his brown eyes piercing. ‘I can’t be without you.’   
  
‘I can’t be without you either,’ Seamus had answered immediately, heart pounding inside his chest.   
  
And then he had to wipe the tears from his cheeks,  
had to grab his wand  
and run.  
  
The sounds of the others waking up forced Seamus back into the here and now.   
Harry looked like death incarnate, blinking at the light outside like he couldn’t believe the world was still spinning.   
  
They all dressed, and nobody said a word.  
  
x  
  
But  _ his mother _ did.

‘Mum?’ Seamus said in surprise.  
  
They were walking downstairs for breakfast when Seamus had seen his mother standing in front of the doors leading to the Great Hall.  
  
‘Seamus, darling,’ his mother breathed in relief, rushing towards him and grabbing his face between her hands. ‘When I heard what happened, I was _so_ worried, I couldn’t believe it, but it’s fine, we’re leaving right now, it’s not safe he-’  
  
‘What?’ Seamus said, taking a step back. ‘Leave? But Dumbledore’s funeral is today.’  
  
‘I know darling, but it’s not safe. You understand now, don’t you?’  
  
‘No, I don’t!’ Seamus said, voice getting louder. ‘I don’t want to leave now.’  
  
‘Seamus!’ his mother said loudly. ‘This isn’t a choice!’  
  
Again.  
It wasn’t a choice.  
And Seamus was suddenly transported to a dark kitchen with green, glittering wrapping paper and   
_No._ _  
_  
He was sick of rejection, of denial.  
Seamus _needed_ a yes.

‘This is my school!’ he yelled. ‘An’ he was my headmaster!’

‘I won’t have you here for another night!’ his mother shouted back. ‘It’s not safe!’   
  
‘She’s right, Seamus,’ Dean said softly behind him.   
  
Seamus hadn’t known he was still standing there.  
And while everything felt unreal, like a dream almost,  
the words

_ I can’t give you more than this! _ _   
_ _   
_ were still soberingly real.  
And they hurt.  
  
‘Yeah, you’d want me gone, don’t you?’ he snapped without looking back.    
He saw his mother frown at his words.  
  
‘I’m going to the funeral,’ Seamus told her, ignoring her brief confusion, ‘And then  _ after _ , we’ll go. Yeah?’  
  
For a few seconds, his mother just nervously wrung her hands together, but then she nodded once.   
  
‘We’ll go after.’  
  
All his anger left immediately.  
Seamus sighed.   
  
He felt relieved.   
And when he turned around and saw only Neville standing there,  
he felt regret.  
  
‘Went back upstairs,’ Neville said shortly.

Yeah.   
Seamus would be mad at him too.  
  
x  
  
After the funeral,  
Seamus packed all his things into his trunk.  
  
The dormitory was empty.   
  
Seamus felt a little empty himself.   
Seeing the white tomb had felt like he was in a dream. Seamus hadn’t even cried. He’d just stared, almost unseeingly.  
  
He closed his trunk and looked to Dean’s bed, the covers rumbled, and Dean’s sketchbook lying on his bedside table.   
  
Before he’d consciously made the decision, Seamus picked it up, together with the pencil beside it.  
He wasn’t sure Dean would even look in his sketchbook.   
  
But he’d take the chance.   
  
x  
  
The boat was fairly quiet, not a lot of people travelling to Ireland on a random Friday.  
  
‘She’s a nice lass,’ his mother commented.

‘Yeah,’ Seamus said.    
  
Before they’d left, Valerie had ran up to him, hugging him and then kissing him goodbye.  
His mother had watched with a smile on her face.  
  
‘So yer finally in a relationship now.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ Seamus said.  
  
‘She’s pretty.’  
  
‘Unlike me.’  
  
‘Hey now.’ His mother pinched his cheek. ‘Yer  _ very  _ handsome.’  
  
‘Dean thinks so too,’ Seamus said, staring out the window, watching England grow smaller.  
  
‘He’s a good friend,’ his mother said.    
  
And a good kisser, Seamus thought. He was tempted to say it out loud, and the words were nearly out of his mouth when suddenly his mother frowned and asked,  
  
‘Why didn’t you say goodbye to him?’  
  
Because he kissed me and I liked it and he didn’t.  
Because I screamed at him and he yelled at me and the truth hurt so much.   
It still hurts so much.

All these answers  
and not one could make it past Seamus’ throat.  
  
‘Neville did,’ Seamus said instead. ‘He’s a good mate.’  
  
His mother hummed, and they were quiet for a few seconds.  
  
Then she said,  
‘You can write to him.’  
  
x  
  
Seamus couldn’t.  
He wasn’t sure he wanted to,  
but then, finally, the inevitable happened.

The Ministry of Magic was taken over by Voldemort  
and the letter arrived an hour later.  
  
“ _ Hogwarts probably isn’t safe anymore for muggleborns. Mum won’t let me return. I have to run, Seamus. And I’m definitely not a runner.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ If I could, I’d run to Ireland. I wish I could see you again. I’m glad I secretly sketched you. Sorry about that. I’m also sorry about not being honest. I think I always loved you.  _ _   
_ _ Yes, like that. Hence the kissing. Sorry again. I know I should’ve asked you. I definitely should’ve told you, but I was scared. And then Valerie happened, and I didn’t want to jeopardize your relationship.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I can’t write much more. _ _   
_ _ If I could, I’d kiss you again. Then probably apologise for it like ten times. I’ll just apologise in advance. Assuming you want me to kiss you. I mean, it would be fine if you didn’t feel the same. I’d be fine eventually. _ _   
_ _ Stay safe, Seamus, because I meant it. I can’t be without you.  
  
_ _ Dean.”  
  
_ x

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah.   
> We're going to go into the horrors of the seventh book now. Joy. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this angsty story so far!! <3  
> If you want, let me know your thoughts about it (or deamus) :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Woah this is a massive chapter! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

Seamus didn’t know what to say.  
Everything seemed too obvious. Too much and not enough, and everything made him want to burst into tears.  
  
That ended after the first two months.  
  
But the thing that never stopped hurting, was the fact that he’d _chosen_ to put some distance between him and Dean.  
  
He’d do anything to get that choice again.  
  
Because he wouldn’t put distance between them again, okay?  
He feckin’ wouldn’t.  
  
x  
  
Neville found a little radio.  
Seamus had no idea where he’d gotten it from, but that didn’t matter.  
It mattered that they could listen to real news,  
it mattered that Seamus never heard Dean’s name listed off as another casualty.  
  
x  
  
‘Why aren’t you happy?’ snapped the Carrow sister, ‘I thought I’d see happy faces. There’s no more mud between these walls, all the filth has been cleaned away. You no longer have to interact with these muggleborn animals, with their stupid, dirty blood-’  
  
‘Shut yer face!’ Seamus snapped, jumping to his feet.  
  
It mattered  
because it was the reason Dean wasn’t here, was on the run and fighting for his life.  
  
The Carrow sister laughed something evil, then snarled, ‘Detention!’  
  
x  
  
It didn’t matter that detention wasn’t really detention anymore.  
That Seamus’ back was bleeding by the time the Carrow sister untied him.  
  
x  
  
Neville looked sad as Seamus walked in their two-man dormitory.  
  
‘You okay?’ he asked quietly.  
  
‘Never been better,’ Seamus lied.  
  
‘Did you perform a healing spell?’  
  
Seamus shook his head, and sat down on his bed. ‘Can’t reach.’  
  
Neville took out his wand and moved behind Seamus.  
His quiet gasp told Seamus enough.  
  
‘You’re bleeding through your shi-’  
  
‘Neville,’ Seamus interrupted him tiredly.  
  
So Neville was quiet while he healed Seamus’ wounds.  
The ones on his skin.  
  
And the quiet continued, was followed by the dark when they both laid down in bed and pretended they could go to sleep.  
  
‘This can’t go on,’ Neville whispered, ‘We have to do something.’  
  
x  
  
Nervously casting another silencing spell, Seamus looked left and right before following Luna and Neville into Snape’s office.  
  
No one was in the hallway, and no one was in the office.  
For now.  
  
They’d agreed beforehand who would search where, so Seamus immediately tiptoed to the potions’ cupboard to the left.  
He was scared to breathe, or even touch so much as the walls while he searched for anything that could tell them where the Sword of Gryffindor could be hidden.  
  
‘Found anything?’ Neville breathed, his voice loud, too loud, in the silence.

Seamus searched frantically through the narrow cupboard,  
knowing he didn’t even have seven minutes.  
The hurt was piercing and distracting  
so Seamus forced himself to stop remembering.  
  
‘No,’ Luna whispered back from the right corner.  
  
‘N-’ Seamus began, but was silenced by a hand over his mouth.  
  
‘I have!’ the Carrow sister exclaimed.  
  
x  
  
‘What were you searching for?’ Snape asked them slowly, looking each of them in the eye.  
Behind him, the Carrows were watching them like hawks. Or crows.  
  
‘ _What,’_ Snape snapped, then lowered his voice immediately, ‘Were you looking for?’  
  
Seamus’ heart beat loudly inside his chest, and he fought against fidgeting in the chair.  
The answer was simple.  
There was only one thing he was looking for.  
  
Just him.  
  
When none of them spoke, the Carrow sister walked towards Neville, towering over him and-

 _Slap_ .  
  
Neville’s head snapped to the side with the force of her slap.  
  
Seeing a bruise forming already made Seamus so angry, and he struggled against the ropes binding his arms behind the chair.  
  
‘I’ll ask one more time,’ Snape said icily. ‘What were you looking for?’  
  
None of them said anything.  
The quiet in the room felt dark.  
  
Dragging a nail across Neville’s red cheek, the Carrow sister laughed merrily before raising her hand again.  
  
Neville closed his eyes.  
  
‘Go ahead,’ Snape sighed, like he didn’t have a choice.  
  
But before the Carrow sister could slap Neville again,  
Luna spoke up.  
  
‘I think,’ she said quietly, and Snape leaned forward eagerly. ‘It was hope.’  
  
Luna’s words resonated through Seamus’ body. He felt a sudden surge of bravery, of confidence, to sit quietly on the chair. To not say a word.  
  
Snape stared at Luna for a few moments.  
Then, with a sigh, he straightened, brushing off his robes and walking past them.  
  
Seamus heard the door behind them open.  
  
‘I’ll come back in half an hour,’ Snape said.  
  
The Carrows smiled.  
  
x  
  
The next day, after having dragged himself through lessons, Seamus walked up to the dormitory.

He opened the door slowly, his arm spasming and protesting against the movement. Walking inside the empty, empty room, he found his feet were already bringing him to Dean’s bed.  
  
Seamus looked down at it.  
Bit his lip,  
balled his fists  
but the sob still broke through.  
  
He fell down on Dean’s bed.  
  
His hands fisted in the blanket while his body shook with silent sobs.  
Seamus pushed his face into the bed, trying to find _something_ of Dean there.  
  
It didn’t matter that he tried.  
He didn’t find him.  
  
x  
  
Seamus went home for Easter.  
Nearly everyone did, because who’d stay at Hogwarts?  
  
In his room, sitting on his bed, Seamus stared at Dean’s drawing on the wall.  
  
Tried to find something of Dean there.  
It was small.  
Small and not enough, so Seamus pulled out the box hidden underneath his bed containing all of Dean’s letters.

And he read them.

It was almost like talking, like listening,  
almost like he could _hear_ Dean’s voice  
and it hurt.

It hurt so feckin’ much that his mother stormed upstairs, only to find Seamus on his knees, clutching the letters to his chest.  
Crying.

She sat down beside him, and put her arms around him.  
  
x  
  
When an owl ticked against Seamus’ window, his heart leapt inside his throat with such a force it was nearly choking him, an he scrambled out of bed to open the window.  
  
Neville’s owl.

All the air left him.  
It did again after he read the letter.  
  
_‘Seamus,_

 _I haven’t gotten a letter from Luna in days. It’s unusual. I’m scared something happened. What should I do?_ _  
_ _  
_ _Neville.’_

But that was exactly the problem.  
It mattered so much to Seamus and Neville  
and it still didn’t change a feckin’ thing.  
  
They couldn’t do anything.  
  
x  
  
Neville was a mess.

So Seamus sat beside him on his bed and put an arm around his shoulder, same as his mother had done with him.  
  
Neville leaned his head against Seamus’ shoulder  
and cried for the first time in years.

‘What if she’s _dead_?’ Neville whispered between the tears, voice wobbly.  
  
His hands were shaking.  
  
Seamus watched them.  
Because he didn’t know what to say.  
  
x  
  
‘I don’t, I don’t think I understood how it felt. Not really,’ Neville said flatly, staring at the courtyard.  
There were no students outside.  
  
Seamus didn’t say anything.  
  
‘It hurts worse than I imagined,’ Neville continued. ‘And it doesn’t seem to stop.’  
  
No.  
The world kept spinning towards the inevitable.  
  
‘I just keep imagining her… caught by death eaters and tortured. Or just, hit by a stray spell while running away. Just like that.’  
  
Seamus’ stomach twisted and turned  
and breathing became difficult as he pictured it.  
  
‘It only has to be a badly aimed spell,’ Neville said. ‘And that’s it. Dead.’

Seamus could see it.  
He could see Dean, being so brave, standing up to the snatchers, and them not giving a flying fuck about whether he was actually muggleborn or not and just-  
Seamus swallowed before the panic could swallow him whole.  
Just like that.  
Dead.  
  
_Yeah, you’d want me gone, don’t you?_

Seamus clenched his hands into fists so tightly  
his nails pricked his skin.  
  
x  
  
Neither Neville nor Seamus dreamed anymore.  
  
But they did have nightmares.  
And bruises.  
Because they still tried to help, _anything_ to help, still tried to protect the younger students against the Carrows.  
  
It worked less than half of the time.  
  
Sometimes they were both so tired at the end of the day that neither of them bothered to heal their bruises and wounds,  
falling asleep immediately.  
  
And then a different kind of torture began.  
The worst one.  
  
But when Neville walked in, looking dead-tired, and said,  
‘It’s Harry. Harry’s coming.’  
  
It felt like a dream, and not a nightmare.  
  
x  
  
Seamus didn’t think he’d ever run faster, his feet moving so fast he was almost jumping down the stairs, Neville wheezing behind him since he’d already made the journey once.

Then they were in front of the painting in the Room of Requirement, which swung to the side and Harry crawled out.  
He blinked when he saw their faces.  
  
‘Yeah, we’ve been beat up pretty badly,’ Seamus said, having forgotten about the bruises.  
  
‘But we’re not beaten yet,’ Neville said firmly, clenching his wand tighter in his hand.  
  
Harry nodded once, then moved out of the way to let Hermione and Ron enter the room.  
They all looked worse for wear too.

‘What do you want us to do?’ Neville asked.  
  
Before he answered, Harry looked to Hermione and Ron first.

‘I think it’s time to summon Dumbledore’s Army and fight back. We’re going to fight back today, and we’re going to win,’ he promised them.  
  
It wasn’t too late to lose.  
Almost.  
But not yet.  
  
So Neville grabbed his D.A. coin and changed the dates, alerting all the members to the fact that they would fight back.  
And win.  
  
x  
  
One for one, people that had been forced to leave Hogwarts, or in Fred and George’s case had _chosen_ to leave, slowly returned to the Room of Requirement.  
  
Such a magical room.  
You just closed your eyes and it would give you what you’d asked for.  
  
But Seamus had never imagined it would work this perfectly.  
  
Because the door opened again, and Luna was walking in and behind her-  
Seamus held his breath.

Behind her, Dean walked in.  
  
The word was ripped from Seamus’ throat.  
  
‘ _DEAN!’_  
  
And then he was running towards him, and Seamus had been wrong before because this was definitely the fastest he’d ever run, before he crashed into Dean, nearly knocking him back.  
But Dean’s arms were strong around him, and they managed to stay upright.  
Together, they did.

After all the trying, Seamus pressed his face against Dean’s jumper  
and finally found him.  
And then he was crying, shoulders shaking and hands desperately holding onto Dean’s jumper, because Seamus was never _ever_ letting go of his best friend again.  
  
As Dean’s jumper was getting soaked, Seamus heard Dean’s voice rumble, almost roughly,  
‘Hey, this is my only jumper right now.’

‘Sorry,’ Seamus sniffed, looking up. Seeing Dean look down at him with tears running down his face too.  
  
‘Sorry,’ Seamus said again.  
And again.  
And again.  
  
And Dean shook his head and said, ‘Stop.’

‘Sorry,’ Seamus cried.

‘Seamus...’  
  
‘I’m so _sorry_ , I should’ve never-’  
  
Dean leaned in,  
even though Seamus probably looked like a gross, sobbing mess with no intention of ever shutting up.

Or maybe it was _because_ all of that that Dean leaned in  
and kissed Seamus, tears and all.

In that moment, the moment where their lips pressed together, the world stopped spinning.

Heart beating wildly, Seamus leaned towards Dean, wanting to be closer, closer, closer, moving on his tiptoes, arms wrapping around Dean’s neck, but-  
Dean leaned back.  
  
‘Sorry,’ Dean started, ‘I should ask-’

Something snapped inside Seamus.  
  
‘Will you feckin’ stop already? If you still need to ask, please do because I’ll say yes.’  
  
Dean’s eyes widened, a blush spreading on his cheeks as he looked down at Seamus in disbelief.  
It made Seamus want to kiss him again and again and agai-

‘You will?’ Dean asked quietly, almost nervously.  
  
‘ _Ask_ me, mate.’  
  
The words were quiet, and Dean looked at anything but Seamus when he finally said,  
‘Can I kiss you?’  
  
‘ _Yes_ ,’ Seamus answered immediately. ‘Right now would be grand.’  
  
But he didn’t wait for Dean to take the initiative, because maybe that had been a feckin’ bad idea from the beginning.  
Instead he pulled Dean forward, and smashed their lips together.  
  
Seamus knew the basics of kissing.  
But kissing Dean felt anything but basic.  
  
It made Seamus dizzy,  
made the world spin totally out of control.  
It felt like the morning before a Quidditch match, all excitement, his heart pounding inside his chest,  
but it also felt like a morning where he’d planned nothing, lying in bed and lazily stretching his arms.  
  
It felt like…  
Like...  
Feckin’ everything.

It was _grand_ .  
No lie.

Seamus felt the corners of his mouth turn up,  
felt Dean smile too, against his lips,  
and then they were pulling back, and they were smiling and laughing, and there was so much relief.  
  
‘I think saying “finally” after nearly seven years just doesn’t cut it,’ Neville commented.  
  
It made Seamus suddenly aware of the fact they were planning to go to war.  
  
It made Dean suddenly aware they were in a room full of people.  
  
They released each other almost simultaneously, both taking a step back, arms falling down.  
  
But not everyone was looking at them.  
Obviously, Harry was talking to people, looking determined and serious and just a little bit nervous. Standing next to Ron, Ginny was smiling at them both and, looking around, Seamus noticed that most people were.  
They all looked happy for them.  
  
Neville also looked _very_ much relieved, his shoulder casually bumping against Luna’s.  
That left only one person.  
Seamus was almost afraid to look at Dean,  
not wanting to see.  
  
But when he turned his head, Dean was already looking at him.  
  
‘Are ye going to apologise again?’ Seamus asked quietly.  
  
‘Yes,’ Dean said, and it felt like a punch in the gut, ‘For-’

‘I don’t care what others-’ Seamus started, but Dean put a hand over his mouth  
and smiled.

‘I know I’ve been horrible, but I was actually going to apologise for being so incredibly stupid.’

Seamus blinked.  
And Dean laughed, probably _at_ his expression, or maybe because of the huge amount of relief that was also flooding through Seamus’ body, making his knees wobble.

Seamus pulled Dean’s hand away, but he didn’t let go.  
Never again.  
Instead he grabbed Dean’s hand and held on.

Then Harry spoke up again, because the world had to continue towards the inevitable.  
It wasn’t over yet.  
  
‘Here’s what we’re going to do,’ Harry started, and the room quieted down, everyone listening attentively to Harry explaining the plan.  
  
All the while, Dean didn’t once let go of his hand.  
  
x  
  
But they had to.  
Everyone was preparing themselves to go out there, yet Seamus was still holding Dean’s hand, clenching so hard he saw Dean grimace.

Dean didn’t let go.  
  
Only when Neville said softly, ‘Seamus. Let’s go.’  
did Seamus take a deep breath  
and let go.  
  
‘Stay alive,’ he said.

Dean smiled at him. ‘Go blow up some bad guys.’

Seamus grinned back,  
but the way he was staring at Dean, taking in every little detail he’d come to know over the past six and a half years, didn’t fool Dean.  
Because he was doing the same.  
  
They were looking at each other like it would be the last time.

And then Seamus turned around,  
ripping apart their eye contact  
and following Neville out the room.

x  
  
‘I’ll go to the bridge,’ Neville said, walking towards the courtyard, students running past them.  
  
‘Don’t die,’ Seamus said.  
  
‘I can’t promise that,’ Neville answered. ‘But I’ll make sure to take out a few death eaters when I do.’  
  
Professor McGonagall joined them then, forcing Seamus to cut off what he was going to say. He nodded once at Neville, who held his gaze for a second longer before walking away, and Seamus felt his patched up heart breaking a little as he watched one of his best friends walk away.   
To take on an army on his own.  
  
Seamus felt proud  
and scared.  
  
‘I recall you having a knack for pyrotechnics, mister Finnigan,’ Professor McGonagall said casually.  
  
He turned to her in surprise. ‘I do, yeah.’  
  
McGonagall stared grimly at the courtyard, but there was a wicked grin on her face that gave Seamus shivers. ‘I suggest you get on with it then.’  
  
‘Really?’ Seamus pulled his wand from his back pocket. ‘Where do I start?’  
  
‘The bridge,’ McGonagall ordered him.  
  
Seamus took a deep breath,  
then ran after Neville.  
  
x  
  
Dodging a green flash, Seamus flicked his wand at the wall behind the Death Eater. With a numbing  
_BOOM  
_ the wall exploded, large chunks of stone flying everywhere.  
Seamus didn’t wait to see if he’d succeeded, already running further, firing off spells at random, leaving explosions and fire in his wake.  
  
A stinging hex hit his left leg however, and he fell down harshly, his head hitting a piece of rock. For a second, the world was spinning in the non-metaphorical sense.  
  
Seamus groaned, and forced himself to stand up, pushing his hands underneath his body and dragging his uncooperating left leg as he continued running.  
  
‘ _Seamus!_ ’

The shrill voice made his heart stop and his blood run cold.  
He turned towards Valerie, who was running towards him, her blonde hair caked with blood, but-  
Seamus’ eyes widened when he saw the werewolf running behind her, its eyes flashing yellow and mouth opening to reveal teeth that were too sharp.  
  
Without thinking, Seamus threw a spell at him, a magical flash of vibrant red before the  werewolf was blown back and catching fire.  
  
Valerie flew into his arms then.  
  
‘We’re not safe here,’ Seamus said quickly, though he tried to rub her back soothingly. ‘You have to find cover.’  
  
‘I don’t have to shit,’ Valerie said harshly. ‘I’m going to fight. I just wanted to see if you’re safe. I wanted-’  
  
But Seamus would never find out what she wanted, because one of the giants was knocked down, its enormous body hitting the ground, everything shaking from the impact.  
Seamus’ hurt leg couldn’t hold his weight anymore and he fell to the ground, avoiding a spell thrown their way by pure luck.  
  
He couldn’t say the same for Valerie.  
The spell hit her in the side and she froze,  
then fell to the ground too.  
  
‘Valerie!’ Seamus screamed, feeling his heart race as he crawled towards her.

Her head was bleeding again, probably from hitting the ground, but she appeared to be only petrified.

But she couldn’t stay here, Seamus thought, with the werewolves prowling.  
So he ground his teeth as he moved to his feet again, and lifted her up.  
  
He slowly made his way to the castle, narrowly avoiding getting hit a second time by a stray spell.  
  
Seamus managed to find a corner of the castle that was almost deserted. He laid Valerie down.  
  
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘But I have to go back. I’m also fighting.’  
  
x  
  
Seamus wasn’t sure he could hear anything apart from screams, spells and deafening explosions.  
He had no idea where his friends were, who was even alive and who wasn’t.  
  
While the original adrenaline rush had made him knock out people left and right, now his hands were shaking and his breath came in short, gasping bursts that hurt his sides.  
His left leg was still acting up, and the left side of his head was bleeding, though not as badly as Valerie had been.  
  
Yet Seamus pushed himself to continue fighting, pulling other students to safety when they’d been knocked down.  
It wrecked havoc on his arms and bad leg, but he pushed on.  
  
Until he stumbled upon Luna, who was duelling with a nasty looking Death Eater, spells of various colours flying through the air.  
Seamus didn’t think twice before moving next to her, throwing spells at the Death Eater in rapid succession.  
  
The Death Eater gritted his teeth and, with a shout, threw a spell at Luna, who couldn’t fully dodge it.  
She was blown back by the force.

Seamus screamed at her, before immediately pointing his wand at the ground near the Death Eater’s feet. ‘ _BOMBARDA!’_  
  
His spell didn’t hit the ground however,  
didn’t shatter the stones and earth.  
  
It hit the Death Eater’s ankles instead, blowing them to pieces, and the Death Eater fell back with a horrible, piercing scream that rang through Seamus’ ears.  
  
Then he was running back to Luna, feeling immense relief when he saw she was already sitting up, looking dazed but not dead.

‘Let’s move on,’ Luna said.

‘Where?’ Seamus asked, helping her to her feet.

‘Wherever they need us.’  
  
x  
  
Everything and everyone was holding their breath when Voldemort’s voice whispered menacingly through their minds.

An hour.  
  
The fighting stopped,  
and Seamus felt like he could finally breathe for what seemed like the first time in hours.  
  
His left leg was shaking so badly that he barely made it to the castle’s steps before Luna slung his arm over her shoulder, not accepting his protests, and helped him the rest of the way to the Great Hall.  
  
Too many were dead.

Seamus swallowed against the grief, the crying and the pain,  
and forced himself to limp towards a bench so he could rest.  
  
Beside him, Luna was breathing heavily with the burden of carrying Seamus’ weight, but she marched on.  
Until suddenly, Seamus’ right arm was lifted over strong shoulders, and Dean was there, holding him up, carrying him to the bench.

Seamus let himself drop on it with a sigh, followed by a pained groan.

Dean immediately crouched down in front of him, hands patting Seamus down for injuries, grabbing Seamus’ head between his hands and wincing when he saw the blood.  
  
Seamus just looked back at him.  
  
Dean had lots of cuts and bruises, blood too, but it didn’t look too bad.  
Thank Merlin.

‘D’you know where Harry is?’ Seamus asked.

Dean shook his head.  
‘But if I were him, I wouldn’t listen to Voldemort. I don’t know if we can win this, but I think the least we could do is hold our grounds.’  
  
Seamus nodded,  
then groaned when his left leg started cramping and spasming.  
  
Dean immediately started searching for his wand, but Seamus shook his head and explained through gritted teeth, ‘Hex or something.’

Dean nodded, but he looked concerned.

He grabbed Seamus’ hand, and Seamus held on tightly, bending over from the pain and trying not to groan too loudly. Trying not to worry his best friend.  
But the pain was horrible.  
  
‘When, when we win this…’ Dean started, sounding anxious and frustrated, ‘When we win this war, I’ll take you out on a date, okay?’  
  
Seamus’ left leg shook badly now, and Seamus gasped out in pain.  
  
‘How about I take you to a Quidditch match?’ Dean continued in a shaky voice, ‘Maybe, if we’re lucky, Ireland’s playing.’  
  
‘That…’ Seamus groaned. ‘That’d be nice.’  
  
‘I’ll hold your hand, and if you’ll let me, I’ll walk you home and kiss you goodnight,’ Dean whispered.  
  
Seamus laughed, but it sounded strangled because of the waves of pain flooding his body.  
  
‘So… so proper,’ Seamus still managed to say.  
  
Dean laughed, but it sounded a little forced and a whole lot concerned.  
  
Luna came back then.  
She took one look at Seamus before she was pulling out her wand and pointing it at his leg.  
  
‘What are you going to do?’ Dean asked nervously.

‘I’m rather good at diffusing hexes and jinxes,’ she answered, and twisted her wrist carefully, mumbling a spell that was absolutely wonderful, because all the muscles in Seamus’ left leg heated up and went almost numb for a second.  
  
The absence of pain was wonderful.  
Seamus smiled at her.  
  
‘Thanks.’

‘You saved me too,’ Luna smiled.

And it was hard to not let himself stare at Dean again, after so many months without his best friend, but a nagging feeling was tugging Seamus’ head up, and he looked around the Great Hall.  
  
‘Wait,’ he said, feeling his stomach swirl unpleasantly. ‘Where’s Neville?’  
  
x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE BOYS ARE REUNITED. FINALLY. FEELINGS.  
> AND JUST ONE MORE CHAPTER aaaa
> 
> Let me know what you thought about this, if you want <3  
> Thank you so much for reading <3 <3 and I hope you have a lovely day/evening!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Last chapter. Can you believe it? I'm not really ready to say goodbye to these boys yet.  
> But oh well. 
> 
> Enjoy the last chapter! <3

The quiet as everyone walked out onto the courtyard was the heaviest, darkest silence Seamus had ever heard.  
  
Until Voldemort’s laugh broke it.   
  
And then the Death Eaters were laughing too, and Seamus saw Harry lying limp in Hagrid’s arms.  
The sight made Seamus feel icy all over.  
  
‘Now’s your time to join us,’ Voldemort proclaimed, spreading his arms like they’d actually be welcome. ‘Don’t be shy.’  
  
As expected, Draco walked towards his parents, though he looked like he’d rather stay inside the castle, with his friends.   
  
What Seamus hadn’t expected however, was Neville stepping forward.   
  
‘I must say I’d hoped for better,’ Voldemort said in response.   
  
The Death Eaters behind him started laughing.   
  
All the ice in Seamus’ body turned to fire as he heard them laughing at Neville, ridiculing him, and Seamus took a threatening step forward, his wand hand twitching.   
But.  
  
‘I’d like to say something,’ Neville said to all their laughter.   
  
His words rang across the courtyard.  
  
Seamus’ heart was pounding loudly inside his chest.   
_Afraid_ . _Afraid. Afraid.  
_ Afraid of how Voldemort would react to Neville and whatever he was going to say.   
  
Seeamus took another small step forward, unsure whether he should raise his wand or not.  
  
‘Doesn’t matter that Harry’s dead,’ Neville started.  
  
‘Stand down, Neville!’ Seamus yelled, but Neville immediately turned to him and said, ‘People die everyday! Friends… family.’  
  
The newspaper clipping of the old Order flashed in Seamus’ mind, and the way Neville had stared at it after meetings.   
Neville’s parents.   
Not dead, but might as well be.  
  
‘Yeah,’ Neville said, like he saw the same things in his head. Seamus’ heart clenched. ‘We lost Harry tonight. But he’s still with us. In _here_.’ Neville pointed to his heart. ‘So’s Fred… And Remus. Tonks. All of them. They didn’t die in vain!’

He turned back to the hundreds of Death Eaters,  
to the dark lord himself,   
and shouted,  
‘But you will! ‘Cause you’re wrong!’  
  
And then suddenly, things happened _very_ quickly after Neville pulled the sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat.  
  
Harry fell out of Hagrid’s arms, and started _running  
_ and then everyone was running, though some Death Eaters disapparated, but the rest of them ran towards the wounded Hogwarts students, spells already shooting out of their wands.   
  
And.   
Almost in slow motion, Seamus saw the spell heading towards him, saw the bright green light, so much like the posters in his room at home, back in Ireland.   
He blinked.

But just in time, Dean grabbed his shoulder roughly and pulled him out of the way.  
  
The spell shot past Seamus’ face   
and hit someone else, their body falling to the ground.

‘ _Run!_ ’ Dean shouted, but he was already pulling Seamus back inside.   
  
Everyone was running, screaming, pushing at each other, but Dean didn’t let go once, his hand an iron grip on Seamus’ shoulder as he pulled him through the mass of people.   
  
Until suddenly, Dean stopped  
and Seamus bumped against his back.   
He immediately moved aside to see what had made them stop.  
  
A werewolf was standing in front of Dean, showing them a grin full of _teeth,_ and holding hands with sharp claws in front of him.  
  
‘Goodbye,’ the werewolf said, and jumped.

In the few seconds they had,

Dean pushed Seamus behind his back,   
using his tall body to shield Seamus from the attack.   
  
In the few seconds they had,   
Seamus ducked underneath Dean’s outstretched arm and shouted, ‘ _Reducto!_ ’   
  
He hit the werewolf square in the chest, and it flew into the air for a few seconds before being blast into pieces.

Seamus breathed heavily as he stared at the falling dust.

‘Thanks,’ Dean said, sounding breathless.

‘I want me date,’ Seamus said, turning to smile at Dean. ‘You promised me a Quidditch match.’  
  
x  
  
Unbelievable.

‘Unbelievable,’ Dean repeated Seamus’ thoughts, as he stared at the courtyard.

‘That’s... it then?’ Seamus asked in disbelief.  
  
More students joined them.   
They all watched Harry sitting on the ground, in the courtyard,  
alone.  
  
It was a glorious and heroic alone.   
It was victory.  
  
They’d won.  
  
And then Neville came to stand next to Seamus with a feckin’ sword.  
Seamus did a double take.  
  
‘What’s _that?_ ’  
  
Neville grinned. ‘Oh, haven’t you heard? I’m a hero now. A proper one. With a sword.’   
  
He swung the sword around, and Seamus took a step back, bumping against Dean’s chest.   
Which was actually pretty perfect.   
  
‘I can see that,’ Seamus said, staring at the sword in awe.

But then he looked at his friend, his bloodied friend, and quickly closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Neville.  
He was a bit mindful of the sword though.   
  
‘Come on then,’ Neville said over Seamus’ shoulder, and Dean also stepped forward, wrapping his arms around them both.

They stayed like that for a few moments, until Neville said, ‘I’m getting uncomfortable.’

‘Yeah,’ Dean said.

‘I’m not,’ Seamus smiled, still holding onto them both.   
  
Never _ever_ letting go.  
  
They all laughed.  
And there was real joy.   
Finally.  
  
x  
  
Seamus sat in front of his wardrobe in just his boxers.

It had the benefit of not being able to pull on and rip the sleeves of another shirt, but he was biting his lip instead, so it wasn’t all that perfect either.  
  
Especially when his mother walked in.

‘Mum!’ Seamus exclaimed, scrambling back.

His mother looked puzzled. ‘What’re you doing sitting in yer undies, darling?’

Horrible.  
Seamus’ cheeks lit up.   
  
‘I can’t decide what to wear!’ he exclaimed in embarrassment.

‘How ‘bout clothes?’ his mother cackled.  
  
Seamus glared at her.  
  
‘But it’s just Dean, innit? Just wear whatever.’

It made the embarrassed smile on Seamus’s face freeze  
and for a moment, he felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed,  
felt _naked_ in a way that had nothing to do with sitting in just his boxers.  
  
‘It’s not,’ he said.  
  
‘What?’  
  
‘It’s not “just Dean”, mum. Dean’s everything to me.’

His mother blinked. ‘‘Course he is, darling. I know that.’  
  
Yeah.   
But did she know just what _everything_ entailed?  
  
Not just the laughs and jokes and midnight conversations,  
but the kisses and sighs and holding hands.  
Like.  
Seamus wanted to hug Dean, _naked_.  
  
His cheeks heated up again, which luckily his mother wrote off as her son being embarrassed and sure, he was, but more because he was fantasizing about Dean in front of his mother than anything else.

‘Anyway. The reason I came up was because yer father and I decided to book us a holiday. We thought it might be nice for you to take Valerie.’  
  
‘Oh,’ Seamus said awkwardly. ‘That’s sweet, but I broke up with her.’

His mother frowned. ‘Why, now?’  
  
‘Because I don’t think we’re right for each other.’   
  
‘Oh, well. That’s a shame,’ his mother said, accepting his judgement without hesitation. ‘We’ll take Dean instead, if that’s alright with him and his mother.’

Seamus’ heart skipped a beat.  
A holiday with Dean.   
And his parents.   
Hm.  
  
‘I’ll ask,’ Seamus promised, then stood up to push his mother out of his room. ‘Now go, I’ll have to get ready!’  
  
x  
  
She had been all smiles, blue eyes sparkling as she’d watched Seamus approach.   
There’d still been blood on her face, and blood in her hair.   
  
‘Guess we made it out alive, huh?’ Valerie had said, when Seamus sat down next to her.     
  
All around them, people had been celebrating and grieving. It was a bittersweet feeling,  
their victory.  
  
‘Yeah, we did,’ Seamus had agreed. ‘But, uh. Valerie, I kind of have to tell you something.’   
  
‘Oh, sure.’

Seamus had reached for his sleeves, his nervous habit acting up again, only to find his sleeves already ripped beyond repair.   
Because war did that, apparently.

‘So. Please don’t take this personally. Or maybe you will. I’d understand. Anyway. So I’ve been in love with Dean.’

Valerie had blinked at him.  
  
‘For almost all my life,’ Seamus had added, looking at her nervously, playing with the ripped edges of his shirt.

Valerie had been quiet for a while, looking down at her shoes.

Biting his lip to keep himself from filling the silence, Seamus had watched students and staff laugh and hug, had watched people holding on, people determined to never let go of each other again.

And then, like he’d pulled on a string, Dean had suddenly walked into the Great Hall.  
  
Seamus heart had skipped a beat when they locked eyes for a second.   
  
‘Oh. Oh, yeah, that definitely looks like you’re in love,’ Valerie had said, and thought out loud, ‘How didn’t I catch that?’  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Seamus had immediately said.   
  
‘No, that’s alright. We weren’t in a relationship or anything. I mean, obviously I wanted to…’   
  
A few tears had fallen down her cheeks then, and Valerie had looked surprised at them, before she quickly wiped them away.

‘It’s just been a weird day,’ she’d sniffled, letting out a short laugh.  
  
Seamus had put his arms around her, had pulled her against him.   
They’d sat like that for a minute or two, before Valerie moved back.

‘Well, don’t let me keep you from true love,’ she’d smiled, pushing him lightly.   
  
‘True love?’ Seamus had repeated, feeling his cheeks heat up.

Valerie had winked at him, a real one eye wink that had Seamus impressed.  
  
‘Just ‘cause I was a little late in noticing, doesn’t mean I can’t _now_ .’  
  
x  
  
Seamus heard his mother open the door downstairs,  
heard her say,  
‘Well now, don’t you look all fancy.’   
  
He heard Dean laugh awkwardly,  
and decided he should maybe save him from his mother.   
  
But first, Seamus looked at himself in the mirror one more time.

He tried smiling.  
His smile looked nervous and excited  
and so very real.  
  
Seamus ran downstairs.  
  
‘Hey,’ Dean said, sounding relieved when he saw Seamus. ‘Nice jumper.’  
  
Seamus nervously pulled at the sleeves of his green jumper.  
  
‘Yeah.’ He smiled. ‘I’ve been told I look good in it.’  
  
Dean smiled back. ‘That sounds like an understatement.’   
  
The words made Seamus’ stomach flip upside down,   
made him feel weightless and invincible and just feckin’ grand.  
  
‘He does, doesn’t he?’ his mother said fondly, reaching over to pinch Seamus’ cheek, who ducked before she could, quickly making his way over to Dean. ‘It’s a shame you broke up with Valerie, darling, but I don’t think yer going to be single for very long.’  
  
Instead of answering _that_ , Seamus just quickly grabbed his coat, pushing Dean out the door and shouting over his shoulder,  
‘We’ll be going now!’  
  
Dean was laughing when Seamus pulled the door shut behind them.

They bumped shoulders as they walked down the path leading away from Seamus’ house, so they could disapparate somewhere quiet.  
  
‘You know,’ Dean said softly. ‘I think she’s right.’

Seamus felt himself blush all the way to his neck.

‘Yeah?’ he asked.

Dean held out his hand, smiling shyly at Seamus.   
It made Seamus’ knees feel weak,   
but he still managed to grab Dean’s hand.   
  
‘Yeah,’ Dean said quietly.  
  
Their faces were closer now,  
they had to be in order to apparate,  
and Seamus could almost feel Dean’s every breath against his flushed cheeks.  
  
He wished they were kissing.  
  
Because, eyes dropping to Dean’s lips, Seamus definitely remembered what it was like, kissing them.  
  
Without noticing, he was slowly leaning in.   
  
Dean giggled and squeezed Seamus hand shortly, before apparating them both.  
  
x  
  
Loads of people were already running around excitedly, green and white and orange flags waving in the air, faces painted with clovers and green glitter.   
  
The quiet was most definitely gone.  
  
But Dean didn’t let go of Seamus’ hand once as they made their way to the stands.   
Just like he’d promised.   
  
Seamus felt like he was flying.   
Or dreaming.   
  
All around the grounds loads of little tents were propped up, both for people to sleep in but also for vendors.   
The smell of waffles filled Seamus’ nose.   
  
‘Woah,’ he said, closing his eyes and sniffing. ‘That smells amazing.’

‘Do you want one?’ Dean asked, smiling.

‘Yeah!’

‘Yeah’ meaning them buying waffles for themselves,   
not Dean buying both.   
  
Seamus had no idea what to do with the fluttery feeling in his stomach as Dean handed him the food, so he just stuffed the waffle in his mouth.   
  
Dean laughed at him.

‘If I’d known you were that hungry, I’d bought three.’  
  
Seamus just chewed like mad.

‘Ah,’ Dean said suddenly. ‘You got um. Sugar.’  
  
And then he was reaching out, and Seamus froze as he felt Dean’s finger brush softly over his lips.  
  
The touch tingled.  
  
If only Dean had sugar over his lips too.   
Seamus would kiss it all away.

His thoughts must’ve shown in his eyes, because Dean’s smile disappeared  
and he suddenly looked very serious at Seamus, dark brown eyes captivating as they stared him down.

Dean took a step closer.  
Seamus did too.  
  
‘Do I still have sugar on my lips?’ Seamus whispered.

‘Yeah,’ Dean said roughly, eyes dropping to Seamus’ lips.

Seamus’ breath hitched.  
  
‘Are ye going to kiss it away?’ he breathed.

Dean took another step closer.  
There was almost no distance between them anymore.  
  
‘I might,’ Dean whispered.  
  
Suddenly, screaming and shouting sounded from the stands and an announcer’s voice told everyone it was only twenty more minutes until the match, so if everyone would be so kind as to take their feckin’ seats.   
  
Dean cleared his throat and stepped back.   
  
‘Let’s go,’ he said, still sounding a bit rough.   
It did things to Seamus well-being.   
  
‘Yeah,’ Seamus croaked, starting to walk too.   
  
Then a hand grabbed his.   
  
Seamus smiled brightly.  
  
x  
  
Another goal for Ireland.   
  
Seamus jumped up and down, spilling popcorn everywhere, and all around him people were going equally crazy.   
  
Beside him, Seamus saw Dean clapping and shouting excitedly  
and it made his heart feel warm, made it beat wildly.

Dean saw him looking.  
‘What?’ he asked, smiling.

‘I love you,’ Seamus said.

Dean’s smile stuttered,   
and surprise took over his face.   
Then a blush.  
It looked cute.  
  
‘I love you,’ Seamus repeated.  
  
Dean’s eyes flitted nervously around,   
looking at the ground, the stands, the quidditch match, Seamus’ hands, coat and eventually back at Seamus’ eyes.   
  
Then.   
  
‘I love you too,’ Dean whispered, almost mouthing the words.   
They were almost swallowed by the cheers of the crowd, but Seamus was listening.   
  
And then Dean pulled him forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Seamus and burying his face in his neck.   
  
The words were a lot louder now, when he said them against Seamus’ skin.   
  
‘I love you _so much_ , Seamus.’  
  
Apparently, Ireland scored another point, because the crowd was cheering again.

But when Seamus and Dean joined the shouting and smiling,  
it was for a whole other reason.  
  
x  
  
When the match ended,  
a victory for Ireland,  
which Seamus thought was kind of unbelievable, _another_ victory,  
they decided to buy a greasy dinner from one of the vendors.  
  
Seamus ran towards the hotdog stand,  
then practically threw his money over the counter after they’d gotten their orders.  
  
‘You didn’t have to buy me-’ Dean started, but Seamus immediately interrupted him. ‘I wanted to. We’re on a date, aren’t we?’

Dean ducked his head, but Seamus still saw the blush. ‘Yeah, we are.’

Finally.  
  
x  
  
More and more stars appeared in the darkening sky.   
It wasn’t exactly the time for a darker topic, but Seamus was still curious.

‘Why though?’ he asked.   
  
It was amazing that Dean immediately knew what he meant.

Seamus saw Dean’s shoulders tense, as Dean looked at all the people walking by.  
They were sitting on the ground, having finished their dinner there.

‘I didn’t…’ Dean started, then stopped. ‘I mean. You’ve never shown any interest in dating or romance, and I figured… It was never going to happen.’

Seamus immediately opened his mouth to protest that he’d been too busy ogling Dean’s body to notice anyone else, but Dean held up his hands.

‘No, no, I don’t mean it like it’s _your_ fault. It’s definitely not. I could’ve said something, and I didn’t. I was just so scared of ruining our friendship.’ Dean laughed bitterly. ‘But in the end I still ruined it.’

‘Kissing Ginny,’ Seamus nodded.

Dean looked at him in surprise. ‘What? No, I meant, kissing you in the closet…’  
  
Seamus blinked, also surprised. ‘Huh? That didn’t ruin it.’  
  
‘It didn’t?’

Seamus shook his head. ‘No, mate. Didn’t you feel my boner when we were snogging?’

Dean’s cheeks flushed in record time.   
  
‘I-I mean, I did,’ he stammered, ‘But- I thought it was because of the kissing and me doing… you know.’

The memory of Dean’s hips pushing against Seamus’ filled his mind,  
and he felt himself blush too.   
  
‘I know,’ he grinned. ‘But no mate, I already knew I liked you back then.’

Dean looked like his world was spinning too fast for a second.

Then he looked like he _regretted_ .  
So much.

‘If I’d known…’ Dean trailed off.

‘Never mind all that,’ Seamus said, hating the look on Dean’s face right now. ‘Why’d ye kiss Ginny? No offen-’ he paused. ‘No, okay, a little offence.’

Dean laughed weakly. ‘We get along well, and I thought she was pretty.’  
  
Shouldn’t hurt.   
Still hurt.

And it must’ve shown on Seamus’ face,  
must’ve shown in the tightening of his lips,  
and the clenching of his fists.  
  
Seamus knew he’d get over it, one day.  
  
‘Though personally,’ Dean said quietly. ‘I think you’re the prettiest.’  
  
And today was that day.  
Seamus was over it.  
  
‘Yeah?’ He smiled brightly. ‘Even prettier than Neville?’  
  
Dean laughed for real now.  
  
‘Without a doubt.’  
  
x  
  
But unfortunately, the world kept spinning, and minutes turned into hours and it was getting later and later.  
  
‘I don’t want to go home,’ Seamus confessed, as they were walking away from all the tents and vendors and people.  
  
Dean squeezed his hand. ‘I don’t either.’

‘But you’ll write, yeah?’

‘I _always_ write.’

‘Good, good. I’ll write back.’

‘Seamus,’ Dean said, pausing. Seamus turned to him. When he saw Dean was holding out his other hand, he took it with a sigh.   
Time to apparate.   
  
‘Seamus,’ Dean repeated. ‘I’ll just apparate to you.’

Seamus blinked.  
He’d totally forgotten.  
  
‘Oh, yeah!’ He smiled brightly. ‘But not in front of my house all the time, mum wouldn’t understand.’

Dean grinned. ‘Want me to apparate into your bedroom?’

The possibilities.  
All the possibilities.   
Hugging _naked._   
  
‘ _Yes_ ,’ Seamus answered immediately.

Dean’s giggle sounded nervous.  
  
‘Alright, I can do that,’ Dean mumbled, almost to himself.

‘Imagine...’ Seamus sighed. ‘No Lavender to interrupt.’

They’d be able to continue snogging until clothes were too much  
until they weren’t touching enough,   
and they’d be so close to each other, their skins touchin-

Dean coughed.

‘Okay,’ Dean said, voice higher than usual. ‘We, um. I- Going. Now.’  
  
Seamus laughed.  
  
x  
  
To Seamus’ surprise, no light were on in the house.  
Not even the kitchen light.  
  
Dean squeezed his hand, and together they walked down the path to Seamus’ front door.  
  
Seamus dreaded this moment.  
It felt like he’d only just gotten Dean back  
and now he’d have to let him go again.  
  
‘Never,’ he whispered to himself.  
  
The gravel crunched underneath their shoes as they walked, and somewhere, in the distance, an owl hooted.  
  
‘So I think I did almost everything I promised,’ Dean said, as they neared the front door.

Seamus smiled. ‘Thanks for the date.’

Dean stopped walking. ‘Almost,’ he murmured, using their linked hands to pull Seamus closer.

Immediately, Seamus’ heart sped up, beating wildly in anticipation.  
_Yes, yes, yes_ .  
  
Shuffling his feet, Dean swallowed once, twice.

‘I’m going to kiss you now,’ he said nervously.

‘Counting on it, mate,’ Seamus smiled.  
  
They both moved this time,   
eyes closing and finding each other in the darkness.

It could’ve been quiet and small,  
but they’d been quiet and small about this all the time, so within a wild heartbeat or two, Dean was tilting Seamus’ head back and Seamus was grabbing onto Dean’s coat like his life depended on it.   
  
Their kiss deepened,  
and Dean kissed away the ground underneath Seamus’ feet,   
kissed away every sense of time,  
kissed like he had something to prove.   
  
He hadn’t.   
Yet it felt like this kiss was for Seamus.  
Like it was a sorry.   
  
Seamus leaned back.

‘Mate,’ he said, ‘Don’t.’  
  
‘I just-’  
  
‘Don’t kiss me like you want to kiss away all the bad memories. Kiss me like you want to make new ones with me.’  
  
Dean blinked in surprise.  
Then smiled slowly.  
  
‘Alright,’ he said, pressing a small kiss to Seamus’ nose. ‘I can do that. Anything else?’  
  
‘No.’ Seamus giggled, standing on tiptoes and brushing their noses together. ‘That’s all I’m askin’.’  
  
So Dean kissed him again.

Slowly.  
Wonderfully.  
  
It still wasn’t quiet and small.  
It still had the sense of urgency, of _closer, now_ ,  
but neither of them was apologetic or heartbroken or sad.  
  
Even through their coats, Seamus could feel neither of them were.   
  
He moaned into the kiss when Dean pulled their bodies even closer together.  
  
‘Mmm,’ Seamus hummed against Dean’s lips. ‘For now anyway.’  
  
x

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO DID A TITLE DROP  
> 'twas I.
> 
> *takes a deep breath
> 
> Woah. It's done. I've poured my heart and soul into this fic and I have to say, I really like the end result, even though it was so heartbreaking.  
> Thank you for staying with this story, and for reading every chapter <3  
> I hope you liked the end result too!


End file.
